I wish I had a Time Machine....

This morning I was sitting in my chair praying, reading in my Bible and I felt led to go across the room and pick up a journaling book that has been sitting there FOREVER.  I thought, ok, I'll dust if off and peek at it.  What was the last thing I wrote?  It was from almost 8 years ago.  Here is the entry:

March 24th, 2009

     Well, here I am 1 month later and on the other side of my 3rd miscarriage.  My mind is in turmoil and the voice of God is being overpowered by the voices of myself, family, friends and the enemy keeps throwing in his 2 cents as well.  What I need is for everyone, including myself, to be silent.  I am trying, yet again, to make a decision on our current situation.  I am frustrated by God's lack of direction, but upon further reflection His lack of direction should result in my lack of action.  Waiting can be just as difficult for me as stillness or quietness.  So I am back to the crossroads.....waiting for God to tell me N-S-E-or W.  I looked at the previous journal a month ago and it reminded me of something very important:

"I need to pray about this and be sure that my path is being God led, not my desires or emotions.  God alone knows what is best for me, what I need and He will supply my answers.  In His time, not mine."  

All of that is easier said than done.  Losing a child is devastating.  One minute I am fine and feel like I have accepted the fate of my child.  The next minute I am crushed by the reality the pregnancy is over and that I may never experience another.  Then a few minutes later I am terrified at the prospect of ever being pregnant again , feeling so sick, worrying every minute about the baby, enduring changing over maternity clothes in my closet to have to pack  them up a few weeks later and take them back to the basement.  I feel like my 5 kids here can't  count on me to have clean underwear in their drawers or enough milk in the fridge.  Feeling like Mike is forced to bear an unfair load when I'm pregnant with working so hard and then grabbing groceries on the way home, feeding kids and then put them all to bed in a dirty house.  It all leaves me feeling so selfish for desiring another chance.  No wonder my heart feels separated from my mind and my soul is stuck in the middle.  Deciding to not try again feels as selfish as not trying.  Until I hear from God, any move will the wrong one.  Please forgive me Lord if the hold up on the next step is because of my stubbornness, but strengthen me for the wait if it is Your's.

Oh sweet Shelli from 8 years ago!  I can still feel your pain and confusion.  It was such a long hard road.  It feels SO LONG AGO, I feel like I KNEW you, not that I AM you!  How weird.....and cool. So today I read that and thought I wish I could go back in time.  I wish I could give you comforting words like:

-It's going to be ok, really.

-You are going to be amazed at what comes next, like double amazed.

-Don't worry so much, especially about cleaning, you never learn to like it and will always avoid it. The kids learn to help out and you get a robot vacuum someday!

-Trust God, He is trustworthy.

-Mike is going to keep calling you on the way home and grab things from the store, and guess what?  You learn to LOVE that!

-The kids are going to be ok.  They are going to drive you crazy some days, be helpful, fight, get into trouble, disappoint you, but they are going to end up WONDERFUL ADULTS and make you so proud.

-You are going to stay in love your darling husband, you are even going to keep growing closer when you think it is impossible to do so!

But, I can't go back in time.  Nope.  No special invention to rewind and give those words to my former self standing at that mountain.  I CAN look at the current mountain.  There always is one isn't there?  I can take those same words of comfort and apply them as I stand here today.

Take heart as you stare that current mountain down!  Enjoy the best moments of today.  God's got you.  Eight years from now you are going to be AMAZED!

"Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and forever" Hebrews 13:8

Be brave.....

Today is my 43rd birthday!  I remember when 30 sounded old!  I also remember when I was 15 and auditioned for "L'il Abner".  I had never sang outside of my shower, but I wanted the part of Daisy Mae so badly.  I practiced and practiced my song, I chose Amazing Grace, went to the audition and as soon as the music started I completely froze.  I couldn't do it.  My drama teacher kindly restarted the music several times, but it was already over for me.  I sat down with tears in my eyes and decided musical theater was not meant for me.  I poured my heart and injured soul into acting, the more dark the better!  Lady Macbeth was my new best friend.  

As the child of a song writer and musician I choose the acting path and avoided music like the bubonic plague.  Once in college I was in an Easter Cantata and had one solo line I managed to squeak out, that was good enough I told myself.  

Years went by and I felt haunted by my botched audition in high school and I regretted never singing with my daddy, yet now he had passed on and that chance was over.  One of our daughters showed a talent in voice at a very early age so I took that as my second chance, I  helped her in every way to never feel the insecurity I felt and give her opportunity to soar.  And soar she does!  

Yet, there was always that nagging part of me that wished I could beat that audition so many years ago .  I remember the room it took place in, the smell, and even what I was wearing that day.  

Lately, my husband and I have been talking about our dreams.  (It's never too late, you know.) I shared with him how I can't let it go, and he has been very supportive.  I joined the worship team in December 2014 at our church.  That was the first step.  God keeps telling me to stop comparing my voice to others and just use what He gave me, for Him.  So this year on my 43rd birthday I will be on stage singing with amazing actors in a beautiful musical about second chances and redemption.  I'm so thankful for the opportunity that God gives me to beat this area and continue to grow.  Tonight was opening night.  My very talented and musical daughter came with her friends to cheer me on and when she said, "Mom, I'm so proud of you!" I knew I finally did it!  I beat that botched audition,  I'm not cursed to live a life devoid of music, but God can rewrite our story whenever we are ready to trust him....even if it's our on 43rd birthday! 

Psalm 37:4, 

4 Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Trusting God in the Storm

I have a small child that is terrified of storms.  I mean terrified.  She get anxious whenever she hears there is rain in the forecast.  If there is a watch or warning for thunderstorms or tornados she starts crying almost instantly.  Now you must know this is my most spunky and strong willed child of the bunch.  She is not timid or afraid of anything else.  But storms, that brings her to tears.  

Yesterday we were driving to the airport to fly home after a weekend with Grammy and the radio broadcaster gave the forecast and it included scattered storms.  I changed the channel as quick as I could knowing this could cause anxiety for her.  I thought I avoided it expertly.  Thirty minutes later she announces," I don't see any clouds and the sun is out so it must be behind us, right mom?"  I reminded her that no matter what the sky looks like, God is always in control and we can trust Him.  She stared out the window quietly.  A few miles down the road the clouds began to appear, the rain drops started to fall.... She noticed the first drop.  She said, "I see a drop!  I hope they don't cancel our flight!"  

Haven't we all done this? We are happy and care free one moment then at the thought, just the thought of an upcoming storm we start with worry and anxiety.  We watch out the window for impending doom and then at the first drop of rain we cry the sky is falling?  I waited until we were under a very large grey cloud and told her this:

"Sweetie, true faith is knowing that as I'm driving through this storm cloud God has me in His hand.  He loves me, wants what's best for me and I can trust Him.  Real faith in God means I trust Him no matter what the sky looks like.  I don't need the sun to be shining to think it is going to be okay.  It's going to be okay, because I'm a child of God and He is in control."

It's a good reminder for us we turn on our TV or watch our Facebook feeds blow up with "storms"out there.  Have faith! Trust God no matter what the sky looks like!

Listening for Daddy

I was in the middle of cooking dinner last week and I noticed it got very quiet in the living room.  I turned around and saw our 4 yr old twins with their ears to the door listening for signs that daddy was home from work. I thought it was sweet so I snapped a picture and went on with dinner.  

A few days later I was scrolling through pictures on my phone and saw it and I instantly thought "Do we as children of God listen for our Heavenly Father with that much intention?"  I know there are times when I can say, Yes!  And then there are other times when I would also say, No!  Oh Lord let us be a people with ears to hear and a desire to listen!

15 "The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out."  Proverbs 18:15

Blood vs Water

I was checking out at Walgreens recently and the woman cashier started asking me about my cutie pie family,(there were only 3 of them with me that day). I mentioned Mariah was half of a set.  My attempt at humor made her pretty curious, so like so many complete strangers do, she started asking personal questions.

I'm no help in these situations, I love shock value.  Saying, "how many kids do you think I have?" is my set up.  She fell for it, "Haha, got her!" I thought.  Then the next routine question, "Are they all yours?"  

Of course!  (I didn't start collecting kids at a park or anything!  I held that comment in my head, biting my tongue hard.) 

"You gave birth to 7 kids?" She looked at me like I was a saint or super model or something.  (Not that a super model can't be a saint, too :). 

Honesty got the best of me, I knew I was being a stinker.  "Well, actually we adopted the twins at birth." I informed her. 

Here is where she zinged me, "Oh!  So, they AREN'T all yours!"

 Wait, what just happened here?   No she didn't!!!!!  This went from fun to OUCH!  I took a deep breath and bit my tongue so hard I thought it might fly across the room spraying blood across the counter!  God help me!

"No, no they are all mine," I managed to say smiling.  "Not really, because you adopted the last two" she said with complete innocent ignorance. 

Okay,  I had a choice in that moment, kill her with my words or educate her.  I chose to educate her.  I explained very nicely that they ARE all mine.  Their birth mom gave them birth, something I could never do,  but I get to raise them, something she was unable to do.  I explained that when they fall and get hurt, I hurt for them just as for my biological children.  I run to them just as fast when they fall.  I've caught their puke in my hair just as my bio kids when they got sick.  I protect them the best I can..... just as my "own".  I treat them the same.  I love them the same.  It may sound trite, but I do.

Blood means your biologically related.  It doesn't mean you love no matter what, that is a choice you make...or don't.   If blood was the only important factor, we wouldn't read about parents killing their biological children in the news.  If blood determined loving "real" family connection, brothers wouldn't fight, aunts and uncles wouldn't avoid each other at family gatherings, moms and daughters wouldn't go years without speaking, or fathers and sons either.  Unconditional love isn't a side effect of DNA, it's a choice made.....daily.

Several years ago in my personal prayer time I was asking God what his heart was on this topic.  After some silence went by I heard a simple question, "Do you consider your husband Mike family?" 

Yes, of course Lord!  Mike is my other half, my best friend, he is where our family begins. I'd give my life for him.  There is no human on this earth I love more!

"Well, you're not blood related." God whispered to my heart.

Thank you, God.  That's all I needed to hear!

A night like no other....

Pardon the blurry photo, but I just had to share.  I was driving this stretch of road on Saturday night.  This picture was taken at the Illinois-Wisconsin border.  Last Saturday was a freezing cold December night and it was dark.  It reminded me of three years ago when I was driving home from the NICU with very precious cargo in the car on this same road.  We had been released from the hospital with one healthy baby and the other was to follow in three days.  The entire experience of adopting the twins was a whirlwind for us.  We had suffered 5 miscarriages of our own and after the last one, decided to look into adoption.  Right away we were miraculously matched with Micah and Mariah's birth mother.  She gave birth a quick 3 weeks later and here I was leaving the hospital with them, (only 6 wks post partum myself.) As I drove this stretch of road I cried tears of joy and as I crossed the state line. I let out a huge breath.  A sigh of relieve and peace overcame me.  It really did happen, God kept his promise.  For 10 years I had prayed for a large family.  God kept asking me to trust Him.  It was easy when I gave birth to a healthy child, hard when I lost an unborn one.  Everyday I stared at this picture on my bathroom wall. 

Everyday I reminded God of my desire.  Finally, here I was driving home with my tiny twin bundle, a double portioned gift straight from God above.  Our family was finally complete with seven darling children.  

I'll never forget that moment of driving home with Mariah.  I'll always treasure that memory in my heart.  Christmas is a special time of the year for us, 2010 we were given an amazing gift.  Here we are in 2013, and I'm still so very thankful.

Don't pray for patience....?

With the holidays upon us, hockey schedules, the daily demands of upkeep in my home and the needs of my children, I'm feeling like I'm spread pretty thin.  That's usually when I get snappy.  I don't like it.  Not one bit.  

Today I ended up on my face asking for forgiveness for something I said in anger by 8:03 am.  I stopped and prayed for patience.  Oh yes, yes I did!  I know, I know you're not 'supposed' to pray for patience.  I've been told that as long as I can remember,  "Don't pray for patience or God will give you something to be patient about!"  Is that true?  I know it feels that way some days.  

If we look at one of the most famous verses in the Bible that mentions patience (Galations 5:22-23) we will see that it is listed as a fruit of the Spirit.  

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

We can see clearly here that patience is a good fruit or gift of the Holy Spirit.  So....shouldn't we ask for it?  I think the trouble we find ourselves in is when we try to bear this good fruit (patience and self control for example) on our own.  When we try to hold it all together or strive for it in our own strength we will eventually fail.  

This morning I wasn't satisfied with my amount of patience, peace or gentleness.  I was upset by how quickly I could go from kind to angry over a child who screamed for juice instead of milk.  I needed an outpouring and filling of the Holy Spirit.  I apologized to the children, went to my room, confessed my inadequacy and utter dependency on the Holy Spirit, requested a filling and outpouring of the fruit of the Spirit.  

And guess what?  I got it.  The rest of the day went so much better than the first hour.  I'm  very thankful that when we blow it we can receive forgiveness and that we don't have to try to do it all perfectly by our own strength.  I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit who is a great Helper indeed!

Don't Fight Your Life Preserver

I took my almost 3 yr old twins in the hot tub recently and an interesting thing unfolded.  It started with me not being able to find my daughter's favorite life vest.  She isn't as good of a swimmer as he is so I put him in floaties and her in brother's life vest.  He hated those floaties.  She happily floated and gloated on her back.  He jumped, flailed, twisted, pulled and spit!  He was so upset at the new floaties on his arms.  He kept tugging and tugging at them.  I calmly explained to him that those floaties allowed him to enjoy the water.  They would keep his head up and nose out of the water so he could breathe.  

He didn't want logic, he wanted them off.

 I let him rip them off for a second and he sank to the bottom of the tub.  I scooped him up, settled him down, and set him back on my lap.  I explained again that the floaties were there to protect him and help him enjoy his swim safely.  This time he listened and started floating on his back and jumping around.  As I watched him struggle off and on with his 'life preservers' I heard it, God's still voice saying,

 "See what I deal with?  I sent them a Savior and yet they still fight me!" 

When my son would quit fighting the floaties he enjoyed the water.  He even forgot they were on his arms at times.  When he focused on them, he wanted to be free of the constrant and he was miserable.  When he was free of them he sank to the bottom unprotected.  

So my question is this, are you fighting your Savior or walking in freedom?  Do the 'rules' of our faith have you focusing on the other side of the fence thinking the grass just might be greener?

Let's stop fighting God and start trusting Him more.  

Psalm 119:93, "I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have preserved my life."

Luke 17:33, "Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it."

It must be a twin thing.....

It has been a very interesting experience raising twins.  They will be three next month and we have been asked many questions from people that do not have multiples as we are out and about.  

Questions like......

Do they feel each other's pain?

-no, trust me if they did they wouldn't bite each other so often!

Do they have a special language?

-no, they have the same developmental stages, so it may appear that way, but it's not.

Are they identical?  -ummmm, no they are boy-girl twins so you might need to revisit 8th grade biology class ;)

There have been many challenges along the way like sleeping through the night, teaming up to raid the pantry while mommy is in the shower or helping each other dump out all the clothes in their dressers.  It often feels like I'm wrangling jello at bedtime or herding cats to get to church on time!  I still wouldn't trade it for the world.  Twins are amazing.  

I've noticed something new developing lately.  Whenever one of the twins gets into trouble and lands themselves into a time out, the other watches the entire process carefully.  After the time out is over and the twin in question has been released the other twin will walk up to me and do the exact same thing... smile....and wait.  

At first I would just firmly repeat that behavior is unacceptable.  "No screaming at mommy!" Or "no hitting your sister!"  Everytime the bad behavior was repeated and the boundary is tested.  I've tried ignoring the second child and every time the bad behavior is not only repeated, but it increases in its intensity.  Crazy right?

I've been forced to put the second child into time out and inforce the punishment just as I did the first.  I've found it is the only way to stop the bad behavior.  It has me thinking a lot about testing our boundaries.  

If there is one thing I know about human nature it is we have a deep need to feel safe.  Like them or not, obey them or not,  boundaries help us feel safe.  

If there is one thing I know about children it is they not only need to feel safe, but crave to feel loved.  I don't think they can even separate the two.  

This has been playing out in my kitchen on a daily basis, one twin gets in trouble for breaking a family rule and is corrected, then the other watches, repeats and waits to see if I love them too.  When I put the second child into the same time out they have a playful, "yes she does!" Look on their face.  It definitely feels like a trust game.

It is fascinating to observe from a child psychology point of view, but is not a shocking revelation to the One who created us.

 "Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children.
    Those who love their children care enough to discipline them."

Proverbs 13:24 (NLT)

"Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you." Deuteronomy 8:5 (NIV)

"Blessed is the one you discipline, Lord, the one you teach from your law;" Psalm 94:12 (NIV)

Have you ever been out with a close friend and you correct her child and it was okay to do so?

Or have you ever given someone you trusted the okay to correct your child when you are not around?  

Ever said to a family member or best friend, "Just treat them like they are your own!"

Our personal prayer should be of thankfulness in times of the LORD's discipline.  It means God loves us as His own child.  He is teaching us the way of righteousness.  He loves us too much to let us stray away.  God's boundaries are meant to keep us safely on the correct path.

Parents, Be Encouraged

I don't know about you, but sometimes being a parent can be overwhelming to me.  From the minute I found out I was pregnant with our first child I started worrying about her getting lost, hurt or sick.  Now that she is almost 17 not much has changed!  Add in driving, college, working and a few more kids and you have a set up for anxiety!  

Today I opened my Bible and read this:

11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
    He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
    he gently leads those that have young.

Isaiah 40:11

I have experienced the Lord's leading so many times in my parenting career.  I've had God reveal an issue, need or attitude that needed to be addressed, and it always has been gentle.  Many times it has been so gentle in fact that I find myself questioning it and even thinking I was going crazy.  For instance, one time I was leaving the grocery store and I heard in my spirit "Your child took a pack of gum!" 

 I thought, "Now why in the world would I think such a thing?  I just bought all 3 children with me their own packs of gum". I continued to the car and heard it again, "Your child took a pack of gum!"  I stopped at the trunk and let everyone get in their seats and asked the child in question to help me load the groceries.  I noticed a rectangular shape in their pocket.  I asked them to give me whatever was in their pocket.  The child instantly started crying. I couldn't believe it!  I had never had a child take anything before and I never suspected it, either!  Thankfully God chose not to let this darling, now remorseful child get away with it.  I explained that and told them God loved them so much He wasn't about to let them stray from the path set before them.  I took the child into the store and made them return the gum to the store manager in front of everyone and apologize.  

I was so embarrassed, but on the way home I thought how thankful I was that God gave me this opportunity to teach that stealing is wrong at such a tender age.  I was grateful it was only a pack of gum and fully expect this child to never ever steal again.

I could give example after example of times God has gently lead me as a parent.  Sometimes it has been a big issue, sometimes it was small, but everytime I thank Him for the Supernatural help!  I couldn't do this parenting thing without Him.

Facebook: the honeymoon is over!

I used to love Facebook.  It was exciting to open up my page each day and check in on my little corner of the world.  I found friends I'd lost contact with over the years, get to see pictures of loved ones, and watch my long distance friends and family's children grow.  It's not so fun anymore.  Day after day my news feed fills up with pictures of runaways or abducted children, political rants filled with hate and shock tactics, news articles and images of evil from around the globe and oh so much more.  Facebook has shifted, in my opinion, from social networking to personal soapbox.  

I've had to distance myself from my Facebook.  I found the negativity that haunted me way after I turned it off was affecting me more than it should.  

Awareness is not the same as anxiety.  

Today as I was scrolling quickly through my newsfeed hoping to catch a few updates on my niece and nephews I scaned a news post on 'anal hazing in school'.....really?  Just as my heart started getting heavy and my mind racing I clearly heard Jesus say, "Take heart for I have overcome the world!"  

Joyce Meyer's status today said, "the world is full of bad news, but the Gospel is full of good news!"  Amen to that!  So if you're like me and find that your social media can leave you feeling fearful, anxious or depressed...take a break from Facebook and open up the Good Book!  Be encouraged, Jesus has overcome the world!!!!!!

Pure Sweetness

The other day my 2, almost three year old was fighting nap time.  She was crying and crying and after a while I went in thinking she wasn't taking a nap that day.  I entered a room and she pointed at the floor and said, "Bu-ble!"  I looked and saw a small New Testament Bible on the floor.  "You mean Bible?" I said.  I handed it to her, she tucked it under her arm and went to sleep!

She loves that little Bible.  She takes it every where and won't let it go.  I watch her sit and pretend to read it.  After 7 children I'm quite amazed at her obvious attachment to this little book with no pictures.  There are many verses in the Bible that talk about children and their unique relationship with God.  Here is my current favorite:

Psalm 8:2, "You have taught children and infants to tell of your strength, (Greek version reads to give you praise.) silencing your enemies and all who oppose you. " NLT

Silence your enemies....now that means power against evil....given to infants!  What I take from this verse is that teaching our children the Word is very important.  Teaching them to Praise is too!  

It blesses my heart to see her embracing a relationship with God and His Word at such a young age.  It makes me excited to be a part of her spiritual upbringing as she grows up in the Lord.  

There is a familiar spot in Scripture when Jesus blesses the children brought to him:

"People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Luke 18:15-18

This has always brought me joy to know the value God places on children.  He shows us through the littlest child that we are born to have a relationship with Him.  Jesus teaches us that heaven is full of these precious souls who haven't been deceived by the world and know exactly who He is.  Verses like this bring much peace to me and others who have lost a child.  That they are citizens in heaven and we will see our babies again someday.

Remember the verse above, Psalm 8:2, "Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have ordained strength, Because of Your enemies, That You may silence the enemy and the avenger." NKJ

This is also a Scripture of prophesy.  It was fulfilled during Jesus' Passion week.  He had triumphantly entered Jerusalem, cleared the temple on the Feast of Unleavened Bread and was healing the sick.  

"The blind and the lame came to him in the Temple, and he healed them.  The leading priests and the teachers of religious law saw these wonderful miracles and heard even the children in the Temple shouting, “Praise God for the Son of David.”

But the leaders were indignant. They asked Jesus, “Do you hear what these children are saying?”

“Yes,” Jesus replied. “Haven’t you ever read the Scriptures? For they say, ‘You have taught children and infants to give you praise.’ Then he returned to Bethany, where he stayed overnight."  matthew 21:14-17 

We need faith like a child, they don't fight the Truth.  They don't doubt who Jesus is, they receive it and proclaim it!  

Waiting on The Lord

I was almost packed up for the hospital yesterday.  The surgical nurse called and reviewed my case, history and prep instructions.  I hung up the phone and went back to planning my last day before phase 2 of spinal fusion surgery.  Less than an hour later the phone rings again, this time from my surgeon's assistant who said, "Shelli, I am so sorry, but we have to postpone your surgery.  Dr. Dewald has two patients in the hospital who need emergency surgery."  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  My mom flew in yesterday, I reminded her!  My husband has two jobs and has scheduled this time completely off, I complained.  My in laws are all gone to Europe next month, I need their help I gasped.  "We know and are very very sorry, but there is nothing we can do."  

I hung up the phone in disbelief.  It took me a few hours to absorb the change in plan.  I remembered Proverbs 3:5, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;". I asked God to help me live this verse.  I was reminded that He guides and directs our path.  This dramatic change in events didn't surprise or shock God.  He knew it was coming.  

Once I stopped trying to figure it out or make sense of it, I felt my heart soften and I started feeling thankful that I wasn't the one who needed emergency surgery.  I started thinking about the families that needed my surgeon's expertise and how blessed they are to have him in an emergency.  I realized how selfish my initial gut reaction was and began to feel embarrassed at my reasoning.  I'm not the center of the universe after all!  

I learned yesterday that if I'm left to my own thinking I will become selfish, confused, disappointed and easily shaken.  If I choose to submit to His authority I will have a heart of praise, gratitude, kindness and peace when my world is turned upside down.  

So now I will sit here and wait on The Lord to give me a new date.  I will lean on Him and trust His plan.  I will bless Him and remember "ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Update on Phase #2

I went to church a few weeks ago and in the middle if worship my Pastor came over and asked me if I would give a quick testimony and update to the church when the song ended.   I usually love it when I get the opportunity to speak, but I always have time to pray, sort out my feelings and God's words.  I take it very seriously and don't like it when I'm unprepared.  My biggest fear is always that what will come across is more Shelli than God.  So, I started praying and quick about what I would share in just a few minutes.  There were so many things I could share like surgery details, personal battles God helped me overcome, statistics, thankfulness for all the meals and prayer support, etc.  as I prayed I asked God to remove everything from my mind and just leave what He wanted me to say.  

A calendar with JULY 2012 was all that I had left in my mind as I took the microphone.  I still wasn't exactly sure what I was supposed to share, which is exactly what I said at first!  As I opened my mouth in obedience the rest came.  

I shared with my church family how exactly one year ago I was at my pre-op appointment with my surgeon at Loyola.  I was frustrated, scared, and moving forward with what I thought was my last ditch effort at relief from my deteriorating spine.  All the time we were praying for God to guide us and direct us to the right answer.  Even asking for a supernatural healing so I could avoid the surgery all together.  We asked Him to open and close doors, so it should makes sense that last July the top neurosurgeon from Loyola would come in and say, "I've taken you off our surgical calendar.  I've changed my mind and think your case is too risky, I will not touch your back."  

Slam went that door.

I cried the whole way home.  I was so confused and upset.  I remember being slightly hysterical on the phone with my husband and mom as I updated them and they tried to help me process the change in plan.  Not really a change in the plan, more like throwing our last plan out the window!

I explained to my church that when God opens and closes doors to guide us and direct us it can hurt.  It can confuse us.  It can flat out feel like a harsh NO!  I spent the next few months back at square one.  I prayed, researched my options and waited.  I had moments of flat out depression from the lack of movement and direction.  It's hard in any situation and sometimes even more when you're in chronic daily pain.  But, the shut door wasn't a NO, it was a not yet, not this way.  

5 months later after a lot of prayer and processing, God's next 'door' was revealed and I had the best back surgeon in the world to treat my condition!  It is easy to see now what God was doing.  Hindsight is 20/20, right?  I encouraged everyone listening to trust God as He guides them and don't lose hope when you get a shut door.

I share this again now, because my next door is being opened, and I still need to remind myself daily that God is in control.  I went to my surgeon's office yesterday to discuss the next step for me. I was hoping to hear that all is well and we we are done, but I didn't exactly hear that.  My surgeon still wants to do the second phase of the surgery and We are thinking it will happen next month.  Everything will be finalized this week, but when we gave them our calendar and they pulled out Dr. Dewald's schedule his assistant looked at it and said, "Well that's unusual, we just had a cancelled surgery for the week you requested and can put you right in there!"  

God opens and closes doors.  If you are waiting for your next step....praise Him in the hallway!  

Proverbs 16:9

NIV- In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

NASB-The mind of man plans his way,But the Lord directs his steps.

My before X-ray

My after X-ray 

Protecting My Progress

This week I had my 3 week post op appointment.  We had new X-rays taken and now I have a great before and after picture to share with you. Before is on the right and after on the left.

Dr. Dewald says he is ecstatic with my results.  He walked us through the surgery and all that they did in those 13 hours.  He was very pleased with my progress so far.  He initially said we could wait to discuss the second stage of the surgery and whether or not I would need it, but by the time my appointment was over he put his hand on my shoulder and said he was sorry.  He knows I do not want to do more surgery and that these decisions are not to be made lightly, but he feels to keep my correction long term I will need to have the second phase.

So just what is that?  They go in through the front of the abdomen and add support in the form of mesh and synthetic disks that plug the space between the disks from the front so you will not tip forward.  It is like putting in a door stop :). This surgery is less invasive, only 3-4 hours long and possibly less painful, but they aren't promising anything.

I was, of course disappointed, but I saw a very beautiful woman about my age hunched over and barely able to walk in the waiting room.  It reminded me of why we have done this and why we need to protect my progress.  I never want to go back, so I guess that means we have to keep pressing onward.

This was the day before surgery, I was struggling to stand and walk straight.  Notice my shoulders and arms rolled in and forced out to stand upright.

My church family praying for God's hand to guide the surgeons.

Two days after surgery.....I was miserable!  I had an allergic reaction to the medical tape on my face and had several cuts from where they pulled it off!

5 days later I can finally eat solid food!

6 days later I saw some of the kids and got a wonderful moral boost!

After the kids left I was motivated to get home and started walking the halls :)

The next day I was discharged from the hospital and was on my way home!!!!

Recovering at home with seven kids is a challenge, but I'm so much happier with them!  Not to mention all the love and support of my family, church family and friends has made all the difference in the world.  I couldn't do it without you.  Thank you!!!!!

 

Me standing straight and tall!!!!

Going home...the end of a very long journey.

After days of pain, confusion, loss of sense of control and of fear I finally had peace back.  I knew God had my fate, as always, in His wonderful hands.  I knew that even as I sit and wait to find out what the next step was I could rest knowing my Father in heaven wasn't going to let anything unnecessary happen.  Not even an X-ray.  

Saturday I enjoyed a visit from my brother in law, sister in law, niece and nephews.  A few hours later I was blessed to hug and kiss on my 3 middle children and their grandparents.  That night mom and I watched game 4 of the Stanley Cup playoffs and I taught her the basics of the game.  Life was beginning to feel slightly normal.

Sunday morning I met my new nurse.  She entered the room announcing, "Alright Mrs. Chinlund, I'm sure you have a better life waiting for you outside of this room.  So, let's see what I can do to help you get to it!"  She was unaware of how seeing the kids the day before had stirred up so many emotions and feelings of missing my babies.  I answered her, "I have seven amazing blessings waiting for me at home!"  She spun around and asked in disbelief, "Children?"  I answered her with all the sass those who know me have come to expect, "Well, we're not talking about cats, Margaret!"  Her eyes welled up with tears and she went quickly to work on me.  

The doctors came in for morning rounds.  They hadn't seen me feisty.  The pitiful pain wrecked mama who was afraid to face her challenging home life had disappeared after the kids visit and they met the real me at the door.

"I want to go home today!"  They took a step back.  "You do?"  Yes, I was ready and I went on to tell them my list of reasons why.  I pled my case, stated my requests and let them examine me.  They  removed the drain from my incision, rebandaged me and agreed it was discharge day!  They said future surgery was on hold for now.  They agreed to see how I do, but they still needed to get the X-ray as a baseline to compare future progress.  Once my picture was taken I was free to go home!  Margaret returned quickly and started removing IVs and explaining my at home instructions.

After a few hours, an orderly from X-ray came back to take me down for my final requirement before I could leave.  The cspine machine was still broken, but the doctors were now satisfied with taking 3 views and having them pieced together later.  

I waited in the hallway again, this time I was excited because it meant I was going home, not that we were deciding on more surgery or not.  The X-ray tech pushed my bed into the room.  She introduced herself to me and explained what pictures needed to be taken.  She had the most amazing sweetness in her personality.  I felt like I had just met up with a sister I hadn't seen in a long time.  

The next hour we shared was amazing.  She stood me in position and squeezed past me and the machine, it snapped a picture!  She yelled, "Oh Lord, my booty just took a picture!  Let's see what I did!"  I knew I was in for a fun day with her.  She came back and repositioned me in front of the X-ray board again. Every time she touched me she winced and made a groaning sound.  After a few times of this, she saw that I noticed and apologized.  "Oh Shelli, it just hurts to look at you!  You've been through so much.  I'm sorry, but Lordy, I can't take it!"  I looked into her compassionate eyes and asked her if she feels other's pain?  She looked surprised and said, "We'll, yes!  Everyone always makes fun of me, even my kids.  They say I'm in the wrong business.  I'm 59 years old and have been doing this a long time.  When a patient comes in and I see them hurting I feel it in my body too.  From the pit of my stomach I ache like them.  One time I was working the ER and a little boy was brought in from a hit and run.  His ankle was smashed, no mama there for him.  I became his mama while he was in X-ray.  It's what I do."  

I smiled, "You have a mercy gift, Debbie.  God designed you to feel compassion and mercy for others.  It's a spiritual gift and it makes you-you."  She smiled big, "is that what that is?  I love it.  I love me being that way.  I love God!  Thank you Jesus!" She took the next picture and covered my lower half with a shield.   

"Any chance you could be pregnant?"  I laughed, "No we're all done With that!  Seven is good for us!"  After we discussed my amazing family she got real serious and told me, "Baby, I don't care if you're done or not.  You protect your body from unnecessary exposure."  She went on to share with me how God had cured her of cancer.  She showed me her scars and explained all she had been through.  She walked back to push the next button and exclaimed, "Thank you Jesus for healing me!  Thank you Jesus for healing Shelli!  Oh God you are so Good!  I just can't take it!"  

Tears streamed down my face, "We are having church in the X-ray room this morning aren't we, now?" I asked.  "Yes, yes we are." She answered.

Debbie came back over to set me for my final films. She didn't like my hair being in the way.  "Here baby, take my Barrett and pin your braid up on top of your head so it's out of the way."  She removed it from the top of her head and onto mine.  I had a moment where I paused and made a mental note of how unusual this was for a patient and X-ray tech to do, and then proudly put my new friend's Barrett into my hair. 

 "Like this"  I asked?  She smiled, "Yes baby.  That's perfect.  All my friends make fun of me for my Barrettes.  They say I'm trying to look like a princess or something.  But, I'm not.  My daughters are the princesses and I'm the queen of my house!"  

I couldn't resist, "Oh you are a Princess Mama!   Yes, you are the queen of your home and to your husband.  But you are also a princess, because you are a daughter of the King!"  

She stopped and her eyes filled with tears, "Oh, I like that. You're right. I am the daughter of the King. I am a princess. Thank you so much for that!  Thank you!"  

We finished up with the images, chatted like we had known each other for years, and sadly our time was over.  She pushed me back into the hallway and said goodby.  I couldn't believe how quickly I could had grown attached to her.  My heart ached at the fact that I would probably never see her again.  I wondered how our moment was going to end.  She leaned down, grabbed my face and kissed me six times on my cheek with tears streaming down both our faces.  "Bonk the big kids on the head and kiss the little ones for me," she said.  "I will, I love you!" I answered.  "Love you too baby!" And upstairs I went.

I was pushed back to my room where my mom was waiting with my suitcase.  I shared with her all about Debbie and how we had church in the X-ray room.  I kept crying as I told her our conversation.  The journey, this very long journey was finally done. I was overjoyed and ready to close the door on this chapter of my life.

I couldn't wait to share this side of it with all of you who have been following my journey.  If there is anything I hope you can see from my testimony it is this:

There is always purpose in our pain, God will never leave you or forsake you and it is an incredible feeling to be part of God's family!

God is REAL!!!!!