Where is my baby?

Eight years ago  I experienced the loss of my first child, James. He was my 4th pregnancy and I had no idea anything was wrong. I went to my 17 week check up and the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. She looked concerned and left the room for a portable ultrasound. I sat there staring at the wall and all I could think of is maybe I'd get to find out the sex of the baby that day.

I was so clueless.

 She came back in and started looking at the monitor, I was calm and excited. After a few minutes she turned off the ultrasound, tears streamed down her cheeks as she said, "I'm sorry, Shelli, I am so sorry."

 I still wasn't processing this. I sat there in shock for a while, unable to cry. I just kept asking over and over, "Can't you be wrong? Are you sure?"

She wasn't wrong.

In the days that followed, I remember cying so much I had no more tears to cry,  I thought, "That's it I will never be happy again."  It felt like an impossibility to smile, no chance I physically could ever smile again.

We took the kids to an indoor water park for the weekend.  I watched one of the kids do something silly and I cracked a smile! Then the guilt hit me like a wave.  I thought, Oh NO! Am I moving on? I can't do that, not without my baby.

I became angry, questioning God. If He is a good God how could this happen? Why didn't He warn me? I stopped going to church on Sundays. Mike would take the kids, I would put on Christian music, lay flat on the floor and sob.

Once I heard an audible voice. It scared me at first, I even jumped up. I laid back down on the floor and listened again and heard "my sheep know my voice and they follow me." I got a picture in my head of James hearing Jesus, he let go of my hand and he walked to Him. It was a sweet image, I liked it and it brought me my first glimpse of comfort. But I needed so much more.

I would ask God all throughout the day, "What did that mean, is my baby with you, why couldn't he stay here with me, did I do something wrong, am I really saved, will I ever see James again?"  I started saying the 'Sinners prayer, over and over, obsessively. At one point I was praying for my own Salvation dozens of times a day. I was afraid if I didn't do it right I may never see my baby again.

I needed so desperately to hear from God. A close friend of mine invited me to a women's retreat. I went because no one there knew me and I knew if I broke down in to a mess of tears at least it wouldn't be as embarrassing.  The only person who knew I had just lost a baby was my friend and I purposely avoided her the entire time. I was there to hear from God and God alone.

In the evening there was a prayer and prophetic time. I joined the group of strangers. I listened as they prayed and spoke over each woman in the circle. I was last. As they worked their way over to me my heart raced faster and faster and at one point I thought it just may burst!  Two women laid hands on my shoulders and became silent.

Nothing.....nothing.....nothing.  Then, one of them spoke, and to the best of my memory this is what she said:

"I see a sheep. He is on one side of the fence and you are on the other. You are crying for him. Jesus is walking and the sheep is following him. It's okay, your sheep is safe."

I couldn't believe it!  She described my vision from weeks earlier.   I was as you can imagine,
I was a bawling crying mess at this point. I squeaked out a thank you and started to head for the door. The other woman grabbed my hand to stop me and said, "One more thing, who ever you keep praying for to be saved, God says, "Stop.  It is done. They are saved."

I couldn't process that at that moment. I was so amazed at the confirmation I had just received that James was OK I jumped in my car and drove home even though it was only the first night of the retreat.

As I was driving I kept going over and over the words spoken to me through God's vessels.

I remembered the 'stop praying for salvation' comment.  I racked my brain for who I was currently praying for to be saved.  I couldn't think of anyone specifically off the top of my head.  Then, it hit me....that was me!  I had been praying over and over for me to be secure in the Kingdom.  I needed to know that my name was written in the Book of Life.  I was spending my prayer time stuck in that place of needing reassurance and had no peace.

Not only did God tell me my baby James was safe in His arms, but he also told me I was secure in the Kingdom and someday we would all be reunited again.  What a loving and comforting Father!

My trials and losses didn't end that day, but as I walked through 2 more difficult pregnancies and 4 more losses to miscarriage I walked with a peace that defied human understanding.  Sure it was difficult, but I knew where my babies were and that I would be united with them someday.

Until we meet again James, Jonathon, Madelyn, Josiah and Levi ...mommy loves you!

John 10:27-28, "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand."

Update: If you have suffered a child loss, I pray this blogpost brings you peace.  Ask God the hard questions and let him help you process.  A wonderful book I read that helped me see with Scripture what Jesus says about heaven and what the Bible says about child loss was "Safe in the Arms of God" by John MacArthur.