A Day We Will Never Forget.......

Tuesday, September 21st 6:00am.....

Well, I sit here in the hospital alone. The nurses are giving me quite time, my kids are sleeping over with grandparents, my husband is hopefully getting rest in a clean and silent house. I stare at the teddy bear and blanket representing the only possessions my baby boy will ever have. As I reflect over the weekend full of sadness and pain, the sun rises reminding me it is the dawn of a new day. I know many of our friends and family have so many questions as to what happened and why. I would like to share with you a few details and how we are processing it all.

Last Thursday I started to feel a bit 'off' and I felt a few cramps that I decided must be Braxton Hicks and brushed it off. Friday I felt a sharp pain in my heart, but thought maybe I was just needing to slow down. I woke up in the middle of the night with my pulse and heart racing. I was able to calm down quickly and went back to sleep. Saturday night I woke up with a jolt from a dead sleep, my heart was pounding, I started to feel dizzy and almost passed out. I scrambled over to Mike and woke him up. He quickly put me in the car and rushed me to the ER. I had a CAT scan and EKG which ruled out a blood clot. They couldn't find a heartbeat on the baby and then we knew and feared the worst. An ultrasound confirmed that the baby had passed away in between the 17-18th week. The doctor couldn't explain the pain in my chest or elevated pulse that had woken me up. He said it must have been a 'higher power' telling me something was wrong. I feel he was right, because I never had it happen again after that.

We spent all day Sunday grieving and wondering why this had happened. I began to mentally prepare for my worst nightmare....I had to go in the next morning and give birth to our stillborn son. My sweet and wonderful friend Kristin, an OB nurse, offered to come up and guide us through the difficult day. She was incredible and we were so blessed to have her there by our side. Mike's mom Jan also came to love and support us every step of the way. Every person we met, from techs, to docs, to food service staff were sensitive and attended to our every need. No one that came into our room left without a tear in their eye. They felt our pain and shared in our sorrow as if we were their own loved ones. We felt completely wrapped in love, something I know so many of you had prayed specifically for us. Thank you from the bottom of my aching heart....thank you!

I must admit it was an agonizing waiting game. It took 13 hours for my body to give up the pregnancy. I felt mentally prepared for when to moment arrived but was so frightened of how I would handle it when we first saw him. It wasn't scary, but sweet. He looked so fragile and peacefully still. After all was done and the staff gave us time alone with our precious baby I remembered the last ultrasound I saw just a couple of weeks ago. He was rolling and bouncing and looked so happy in my tummy. I turned to Mike with tear stained face and said, "Levi went from happy to happier." I realized that I had peace through turmoil....love through heartbreak....and experienced healing through my pain. Only the Great God of Heaven and Earth can accomplish a miracle like that. My Father in Heaven knew exactly what I needed. He knew I needed to see, hold and say goodbye to little Levi Benjamin. He knew it would take getting me past 17 weeks to be able to do that. My question of "Why God...I made it so far...why?" was answered in that moment.

I will continue to trust the Lord with all my heart. I understand fully that He has a perfect plan and purpose for us all. Everything we go through has meaning. I will see Levi again, just not this side of heaven. Yesterday will have to hold me until then. When we are united the next time there will be no more tears or sadness...only joy. I am so thankful for how tender and sweet God cared for and carried us yesterday. Thank you for walking this journey with us. We are truly blessed.