I have it already highlighted in my Bible....Psalm 30. I have read it and read it, but the amazing thing about Scripture is how it can speak anew to you. Before we get to the How am I doing IT....let me catch you up on the How am I DOING....It has been 2 weeks now since we lost our baby, Levi, in a miscarriage half way through the pregnancy. I have had ups and downs, probably more downs than ups if I am being honest. We have been blessed with meals, house cleaning, deck staining, flowers, cards, carpooling and prayers from family and friends, but the one thing no one can do for me is wade through the hormones! It can hit me at any given moment and sometimes with no warning. The kids have found me in the basement crying and sent Daddy down to get me. I was at the Doctor's office and saw a familiar nurse with tears in her eyes. She gave me a sweet hug and that was it.....crying the rest of the day! I have kept busy and tried to maintain a routine for stability for all of us. I am slowing recovering from the trauma of it all, day by day, but it still feels a bit like a dark cloud following me around, reminding me the baby is gone. I am thankful for the times when I can forget, if only for a moment, and feel "normal" for a change. Those breaks are my saving grace right now and I pray for more of them!
It isn't all sad though. We had a fun day yesterday at the corn maze. The kids had a ball. Literally, Briana and her friend Mackenzie climbed into a huge inflatable ball and rolled down a ramp like hamsters in a wheel! Then we had friends over for dinner with their 4 little ones. I LOVED cuddling with sweet baby Clementine! She is less wiggly than Shelby :) But there it was again, 3am couldn't sleep and the tears started flowing. Grieving is hard work. I finally climbed out of bed and checked my email this morning and Psalm 30 was waiting for me in my inbox. God's timing is impeccable. He knows just what I need....and when.
"....weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5b
So, what do I have to rejoice about anyway? Well, plenty. As I sat there staring at that passage I took a mental inventory of what I have to be joyous about. My darling husband, the kids, our home, our family and friends, the cow in my freezer, coffee, you get the picture! So then I opened my Bible and read (carefully and slowly) all of Psalm 30. I stopped at the end at verses 11 and 12:
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."
I love to write in my Bible and have my notes from past studies in the margins. This is one of the many places where I have a huge 'X'. I started marking this way whenever I find passages that describe when God does what I call a "flip flop". This 'X' is speaking of a reversal of wailing to dancing, mourning to joy, silence to praise, and weeping to rejoicing!
I know that my God is faithful. I can put my hope in Him to do this for me every time. I know that in time the dark cloud will lift and my heart will again dance. My trust and my hope is in Him, for He is trustworthy. I will continue to seek Him, grow deeper in His Word, and look for the glimpses of Him in my daily life. He will continue to show me reasons to be grateful and opportunities to share His love as He records each one of my tears (Psalm 56:8). He hears my cries and will answer with healing and the promise of a flip flop for my heart.
So, now we are off to a ballerina birthday party for Miabella. It will be Shelby's first big girl b-day party and I KNOW there will many reasons to smile and dance and enjoy.
That is how I am DOING and most certainly how I am doing IT.
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