Going home...the end of a very long journey.

After days of pain, confusion, loss of sense of control and of fear I finally had peace back.  I knew God had my fate, as always, in His wonderful hands.  I knew that even as I sit and wait to find out what the next step was I could rest knowing my Father in heaven wasn't going to let anything unnecessary happen.  Not even an X-ray.  

Saturday I enjoyed a visit from my brother in law, sister in law, niece and nephews.  A few hours later I was blessed to hug and kiss on my 3 middle children and their grandparents.  That night mom and I watched game 4 of the Stanley Cup playoffs and I taught her the basics of the game.  Life was beginning to feel slightly normal.

Sunday morning I met my new nurse.  She entered the room announcing, "Alright Mrs. Chinlund, I'm sure you have a better life waiting for you outside of this room.  So, let's see what I can do to help you get to it!"  She was unaware of how seeing the kids the day before had stirred up so many emotions and feelings of missing my babies.  I answered her, "I have seven amazing blessings waiting for me at home!"  She spun around and asked in disbelief, "Children?"  I answered her with all the sass those who know me have come to expect, "Well, we're not talking about cats, Margaret!"  Her eyes welled up with tears and she went quickly to work on me.  

The doctors came in for morning rounds.  They hadn't seen me feisty.  The pitiful pain wrecked mama who was afraid to face her challenging home life had disappeared after the kids visit and they met the real me at the door.

"I want to go home today!"  They took a step back.  "You do?"  Yes, I was ready and I went on to tell them my list of reasons why.  I pled my case, stated my requests and let them examine me.  They  removed the drain from my incision, rebandaged me and agreed it was discharge day!  They said future surgery was on hold for now.  They agreed to see how I do, but they still needed to get the X-ray as a baseline to compare future progress.  Once my picture was taken I was free to go home!  Margaret returned quickly and started removing IVs and explaining my at home instructions.

After a few hours, an orderly from X-ray came back to take me down for my final requirement before I could leave.  The cspine machine was still broken, but the doctors were now satisfied with taking 3 views and having them pieced together later.  

I waited in the hallway again, this time I was excited because it meant I was going home, not that we were deciding on more surgery or not.  The X-ray tech pushed my bed into the room.  She introduced herself to me and explained what pictures needed to be taken.  She had the most amazing sweetness in her personality.  I felt like I had just met up with a sister I hadn't seen in a long time.  

The next hour we shared was amazing.  She stood me in position and squeezed past me and the machine, it snapped a picture!  She yelled, "Oh Lord, my booty just took a picture!  Let's see what I did!"  I knew I was in for a fun day with her.  She came back and repositioned me in front of the X-ray board again. Every time she touched me she winced and made a groaning sound.  After a few times of this, she saw that I noticed and apologized.  "Oh Shelli, it just hurts to look at you!  You've been through so much.  I'm sorry, but Lordy, I can't take it!"  I looked into her compassionate eyes and asked her if she feels other's pain?  She looked surprised and said, "We'll, yes!  Everyone always makes fun of me, even my kids.  They say I'm in the wrong business.  I'm 59 years old and have been doing this a long time.  When a patient comes in and I see them hurting I feel it in my body too.  From the pit of my stomach I ache like them.  One time I was working the ER and a little boy was brought in from a hit and run.  His ankle was smashed, no mama there for him.  I became his mama while he was in X-ray.  It's what I do."  

I smiled, "You have a mercy gift, Debbie.  God designed you to feel compassion and mercy for others.  It's a spiritual gift and it makes you-you."  She smiled big, "is that what that is?  I love it.  I love me being that way.  I love God!  Thank you Jesus!" She took the next picture and covered my lower half with a shield.   

"Any chance you could be pregnant?"  I laughed, "No we're all done With that!  Seven is good for us!"  After we discussed my amazing family she got real serious and told me, "Baby, I don't care if you're done or not.  You protect your body from unnecessary exposure."  She went on to share with me how God had cured her of cancer.  She showed me her scars and explained all she had been through.  She walked back to push the next button and exclaimed, "Thank you Jesus for healing me!  Thank you Jesus for healing Shelli!  Oh God you are so Good!  I just can't take it!"  

Tears streamed down my face, "We are having church in the X-ray room this morning aren't we, now?" I asked.  "Yes, yes we are." She answered.

Debbie came back over to set me for my final films. She didn't like my hair being in the way.  "Here baby, take my Barrett and pin your braid up on top of your head so it's out of the way."  She removed it from the top of her head and onto mine.  I had a moment where I paused and made a mental note of how unusual this was for a patient and X-ray tech to do, and then proudly put my new friend's Barrett into my hair. 

 "Like this"  I asked?  She smiled, "Yes baby.  That's perfect.  All my friends make fun of me for my Barrettes.  They say I'm trying to look like a princess or something.  But, I'm not.  My daughters are the princesses and I'm the queen of my house!"  

I couldn't resist, "Oh you are a Princess Mama!   Yes, you are the queen of your home and to your husband.  But you are also a princess, because you are a daughter of the King!"  

She stopped and her eyes filled with tears, "Oh, I like that. You're right. I am the daughter of the King. I am a princess. Thank you so much for that!  Thank you!"  

We finished up with the images, chatted like we had known each other for years, and sadly our time was over.  She pushed me back into the hallway and said goodby.  I couldn't believe how quickly I could had grown attached to her.  My heart ached at the fact that I would probably never see her again.  I wondered how our moment was going to end.  She leaned down, grabbed my face and kissed me six times on my cheek with tears streaming down both our faces.  "Bonk the big kids on the head and kiss the little ones for me," she said.  "I will, I love you!" I answered.  "Love you too baby!" And upstairs I went.

I was pushed back to my room where my mom was waiting with my suitcase.  I shared with her all about Debbie and how we had church in the X-ray room.  I kept crying as I told her our conversation.  The journey, this very long journey was finally done. I was overjoyed and ready to close the door on this chapter of my life.

I couldn't wait to share this side of it with all of you who have been following my journey.  If there is anything I hope you can see from my testimony it is this:

There is always purpose in our pain, God will never leave you or forsake you and it is an incredible feeling to be part of God's family!

God is REAL!!!!!

Day 3-5......obsessed with farting!

Well I know the title isn't very lady like, but it is the truth.  You have no idea unless you've experienced 'asleep' bowels how important it is for them to be awake!  Much time was spent listening for gurgles, spits and groans in my belly and I prayed a lot for things to just get moving!

 I had spent the first few days with oxygen on my nose and my throat was getting raw.  My loved ones had been swabbing my mouth with water filled cubes long enough and now I was obsessed with getting off my ice chip diet. 

Mike would try and get my mind off all the grisly details going on in my body and would encourage me to read my Facebook page and see all the people praying for my healing.  It helped!

I skyped the kids for the first time and my heart soared.  Now I was beginning to remember why we were doing this.

On my doctor's morning rounds he informed me that he felt my surgery was not completed.  He stopped short of what he thought he needed to do because of the 13 hour max and suggested we consider going back in next Wed.  I started to freak out..... Please no, not more!  He asked me to keep an open mind for a few days.  We would do an X-ray on Friday and decide then.

 I was still in excruciating pain, but starting to see small signs of progress.  

 My morphine pump was replaced by oral meds, wheelchair to a walker, ice chips to water to a clear liquid diet.  I started to get queasier and queasier as the gurgles built up.  Finally I had a 'break through' on day 4.  It was a noise so loud coming from the bathroom that I let out a Praise God and Mike nervously asked me if I was okay?  My son David likes to download farting apps on our phones, I couldn't wait to tell him about my bathroom explosion :)

Despite the baby steps of progress, in the back of my mind I was still wrecked with fear of more surgery so soon.  My face has 3 large wounds from where I had an allergic reaction to the medical tape from the first surgery, I still hurt to turn my body, couldn't sleep more than 40 minutes at a time, couldn't eat and couldn't regulate my body temperature.  My pain receptors were on overdrive receiving all stimuli as pain.  One morning mom came into to the room and I was sitting in a chair, practically naked because the clothes hurt to be on my body.  I was so nervous about the X-rays and future that I felt like I was going to throw up most of the day.  

One of my new favorite nurses came into the room Friday morning and announced she wanted to wash my hair for me.  It was a nice distraction from the looming X-rays, so I pretended I was at the hair salon.  Mike kept watching us chatting like we were anywhere but a hospital.  Finally he burst out laughing that my hair was so matted I looked like our sheltie, Nicky.  He teased me that Emily was going to have to shave my head, too!  She kept at it until I looked like a person not a poodle and then left us alone.

  I confided in my husband how afraid I was and asked him to pray for me.  He did, then X-ray came to take me downstairs.  I laid on my hospital bed in the hallway while the room was prepared.  The X-ray tech brought me in, lined up the cspine film, powered up the system, pressed the button and then the powered surged shutting off the computers.  She turned everything off, reboot, pushed the button....power surged and shut off again.  After several tries, several techs and the same result they apologized and had me lay back down.  They called my doctors to see if another view would be acceptable and were told no, we will wait.  

As I laid on the hospital bed listening to the chaos and confusion I had peace that God had stopped that picture and decision from being made that night.  They rolled me back in my room and I told Mike all that had just happened.  Nurses kept complaining that a state of the art hospital like Rush couldn't get a cspine film!  We both just smiled.

Around the clock vigil....day 2.

I was in and out of consciousness.  I remember flashes of my husbands face and nurses who quietly came in and out on a mission.  I would open my eyes and see my mother in law biting her nails one moment and checking my vitals the next.  I felt relieved knowing that someone who spent 30 years on the ICU as head nurse was watching me that night.  I was in excruciating pain.  It felt like someone had a serrated knife digging into my shoulders, neck and back.  I couldn't move.  I was hooked up to a morphine pump.  I could only push it every six minutes.  I would push it a few times and finally fall asleep only to miss a dose and wake up in full back spasms.  My husband set up a timer on his phone, every six minutes he would lean down to wake me up and say, Shelli you can push the button now.  That is how the first day in ICU went, six grueling minutes at a time, for all of us.  

By evening I was shaking and shivering all over.  My breaths were shallow and each one brought a sting of pain to my nose, throat, chest and ribs.  I was about as miserable as you could get when they came to change my gown and bedding.  I didn't want to move.  My eyes bugged out at the nurse who announced she was going to change my bedding.   How in the world are you going to do that, I quizzed her?  I still am not really sure how she did do that!  All I know is she should be in Vegas pulling sheets off tables and being paid big bucks!  

The next moment was very humbling to me.  The nurses slowly and methodically washed every inch of my body.  At first I was uncomfortable on a personal level, but as they wiped away dirt, adhesive, oils, sweat and toxins from my body I felt like a human again.  I kept seeing the hands of Jesus washing the disciples feet in my mind. The sound of the water in the tub in front of me transported me to a night back in time when our Savior gave us the example to serve one another this way.  I absolutely felt swaddled in Jesus' hands as these women did their 'job'.  I will never look at a nurse, aid or tech the same way again.  They are on the front lines everyday with the sick and hurting.  They are Jesus' hands.

^{John 13:12} After washing their feet, he put on his robe again and sat down and asked, “Do you understand what I was doing? ¹³ You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am. ¹⁴ And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. ¹⁵ I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. ¹⁶ I tell you the truth, slaves are not greater than their master. Nor is the messenger more important than the one who sends the message. ¹⁷ Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them.

Unpacking-day 1

Packing is usually the fun part.  It means you are getting ready for a new journey.  When I get back home, it is difficult for me to want to unpack my bag and sometimes I leave it sitting there for over two weeks.  Okay, sometimes even longer!  But as I sit here looking at my hospital bag, I find myself already wanting to unpack some things I have learned on this surgical journey.  

I spent months preparing for my upcoming spine reconstruction surgery.  We prepared family, friends, kids, the house, cars, meals, clothes, rooms and so much more to be physically ready.  Was I?  No!  As I stood at the check-in desk at 5am last Monday morning my heart raced as my last 2 hours of life as I'd always known it clicked away.  I checked in and sat with my mom as Mike parked the car.  They banded my arm, the beginning of the end, it felt.  As walked to the elevators to go to the 7th floor a child written letter fell out of my purse. Through my quickly found tears, I read very sweet mature words from a child who feared they would never see their mother again. I quickly typed back a text: got your letter, loved it, love you, see you soon <3 Mom.

The elevators opened, we all three walked up to the next desk and signed in.  I was standing in between mom and Mike, looking like a scared white rabbit about to scurry away at the first startle when the receptionist asked, "Good morning Shelli, are these your parents?"  Hehe, mom and I both felt complimented.  We sat and waited for our names to be called.  I paced, went to the bathroom, checked my phone....  

Finally, they brought us back and ran lines into my veins, introducing me to teams of anesthesiologists, nurses, surgeons.  Their initials were written on my back with black sharpie, papers to sign and belongings to check.  Then it was time, I had to say goodby to the last two most important people in my life.  I started crying, begged them to let me go home, asked where I could run, why did I have to do this again?  A simple kiss on the cheek and I love you and away I was pushed to the Operating Room.  I closed my eyes tight so as not to know what was my reality.  The last words I heard were breath in nice and slow.  

The next words I heard were "Shelli, this is your wake up test!"  The wake up test is when half way through the surgery they wake you up and have you move your extremities.  It helps the surgeons gauge paralysis risks and how well you were tolerating this major operation.  I heard it again in a different voice, then another saying move your hands, Shelli, another move your feet Shelli.  Shelli can you move?  After at least 6 commands that seemed upset with me I was back out.

My eyes opened after the max of 13 hours of reconstruction surgery had been performed on my body.  That was the most they would allow.  I remember very little, my moms exhausted face, husbands smile, father in law and step mother in law saying we love you....and my feet and hands paddling like a duck.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming running on repeat in my head. That was day one!

Less than 2 weeks away.....surgery update.

Every day that goes by gets me one step closer to my spine reconstruction surgery.  This time last year I was a basket case!  I was preparing for a similar surgery, but at a different hospital and different surgical team.  It felt so much scarier.  I didn't have peace, but felt like I was out of options.  

We prayed for God to open and close doors.  I went in for my pre-op consult and the surgeon said 'No!'  He thought I was too high risk and took me off the surgical calendar.  I drove home in rush hour traffic in tears. 

Back at square one and in terrible pain we started the process all over again in January, this time it all felt right.  From the moment I met the new surgeon and team, I had complete peace.  Today as I walked and toured the facility where my surgery is scheduled in less than 2 weeks, I had at least 3 different moments of serious déjà vu!  Each time I stopped and thanked God quietly.  He was telling me I'm on the right path.  

Dr. Dewald's assistant stopped halfway through my appointment, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Wow, you're ready aren't you?"  

This is my front view X-ray.  They plan on going in from the bottom up to vertebrae 4.  That is most of my spinal cord.  They are going to remove the bottom hooks from the current rod, add 2 more rods, put in support mesh, pins, and screws.  There are several other steps involved with cutting away bone, splitting previous fusion and inserting wedges.  In my last appointment they were considering a 2 stage, posterior and anterior, (front-back surgeries) but they have decided to go in from the back only this time because there is so much to do as it is and we are already looking at a 8-12 hour surgery.

If you look at this side view, the yellow vertical line should be through the center of my body.  (Your head should be square between your feet when you stand). As you can easily see, I'm not!  

I'm ready for the healing to begin, I'm ready to be straighter, stronger and able to run, play, and enjoy my kids more.  I'm ready to reverse the clock a little.  I have peace.  I'm ready.  

So here we go....it's time!

'In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.'  Proverbs 3:6