A Day We Will Never Forget.......

Tuesday, September 21st 6:00am.....

Well, I sit here in the hospital alone. The nurses are giving me quite time, my kids are sleeping over with grandparents, my husband is hopefully getting rest in a clean and silent house. I stare at the teddy bear and blanket representing the only possessions my baby boy will ever have. As I reflect over the weekend full of sadness and pain, the sun rises reminding me it is the dawn of a new day. I know many of our friends and family have so many questions as to what happened and why. I would like to share with you a few details and how we are processing it all.

Last Thursday I started to feel a bit 'off' and I felt a few cramps that I decided must be Braxton Hicks and brushed it off. Friday I felt a sharp pain in my heart, but thought maybe I was just needing to slow down. I woke up in the middle of the night with my pulse and heart racing. I was able to calm down quickly and went back to sleep. Saturday night I woke up with a jolt from a dead sleep, my heart was pounding, I started to feel dizzy and almost passed out. I scrambled over to Mike and woke him up. He quickly put me in the car and rushed me to the ER. I had a CAT scan and EKG which ruled out a blood clot. They couldn't find a heartbeat on the baby and then we knew and feared the worst. An ultrasound confirmed that the baby had passed away in between the 17-18th week. The doctor couldn't explain the pain in my chest or elevated pulse that had woken me up. He said it must have been a 'higher power' telling me something was wrong. I feel he was right, because I never had it happen again after that.

We spent all day Sunday grieving and wondering why this had happened. I began to mentally prepare for my worst nightmare....I had to go in the next morning and give birth to our stillborn son. My sweet and wonderful friend Kristin, an OB nurse, offered to come up and guide us through the difficult day. She was incredible and we were so blessed to have her there by our side. Mike's mom Jan also came to love and support us every step of the way. Every person we met, from techs, to docs, to food service staff were sensitive and attended to our every need. No one that came into our room left without a tear in their eye. They felt our pain and shared in our sorrow as if we were their own loved ones. We felt completely wrapped in love, something I know so many of you had prayed specifically for us. Thank you from the bottom of my aching heart....thank you!

I must admit it was an agonizing waiting game. It took 13 hours for my body to give up the pregnancy. I felt mentally prepared for when to moment arrived but was so frightened of how I would handle it when we first saw him. It wasn't scary, but sweet. He looked so fragile and peacefully still. After all was done and the staff gave us time alone with our precious baby I remembered the last ultrasound I saw just a couple of weeks ago. He was rolling and bouncing and looked so happy in my tummy. I turned to Mike with tear stained face and said, "Levi went from happy to happier." I realized that I had peace through turmoil....love through heartbreak....and experienced healing through my pain. Only the Great God of Heaven and Earth can accomplish a miracle like that. My Father in Heaven knew exactly what I needed. He knew I needed to see, hold and say goodbye to little Levi Benjamin. He knew it would take getting me past 17 weeks to be able to do that. My question of "Why God...I made it so far...why?" was answered in that moment.

I will continue to trust the Lord with all my heart. I understand fully that He has a perfect plan and purpose for us all. Everything we go through has meaning. I will see Levi again, just not this side of heaven. Yesterday will have to hold me until then. When we are united the next time there will be no more tears or sadness...only joy. I am so thankful for how tender and sweet God cared for and carried us yesterday. Thank you for walking this journey with us. We are truly blessed.

Truly Beautiful Tea Party

At the beginning of summer Lindsey asked me what God's idea of beauty was. She knew it wasn't what the world saw as beautiful and she felt like she wasn't measuring up to it anyway. I told her the first place to look is the Bible.

I started writing Lindsey a daily Bible study that would help answer her questions and address a bunch more that would help her at this critical point in her development. Around the same time our church announced a father/son Bible study that would go on over the summer. The question immediately followed, "Well, what about the moms and daughters?"

I instantly saw an opportunity to minister to more families than our own. I finished the 4 week study, we self published it in workbook form and and promised a beautiful tea at the end of summer. (The boys got to go on a father/son camp out to finish theirs).

So here are the pics from our event. We had a beautiful time, turnout, and I presented a short message on inner beauty. The girls were lovely, the food was nothing short of incredible and the fellowship was sweet. The teapot cake was a hit and a special touch to a special day. I can now breathe a sigh of relief that the summer went as planned and families are studying the Word of God together. All things that put a smile on my face as I walk forward, ready for the next project! To HIM be all the GLORY!!!

Happy 3rd Birthday Sweet Shelby Lyn

We are celebrating Shelby's third birthday today and it has sent me down memory lane! She has filled our life with smiles and joy, tears and tantrums, Princesses and ponies, and laughter from her winning personality. Shelby is quick to call you a "Mr. Potatohead" if you call her a ham, which she very much is! Never the less, her entrance into this world was as attention getting as her smile is today. I went back and found the letter I wrote to put in her birth announcement.....here it is.

"Shelby's story is especially remarkable and I wanted to share fully with our loved ones the journey our family has been on the past few months. Around Valentines Day we knew we were pregnant by the clammy complexion on my face and lack of appetite. Our first 12 weeks were pretty normal, and by now we just expect for me to be super sick! At 16 weeks we breathed a sigh of relief thinking we were past the worst of it...how wrong we were!

I got up one morning to make the kids breakfast and was stunned with blood that ran down my legs. I called immediately and the doctor sent me right up to the hospital. I called Mike at work and tried to prepare him and the girls for the worst. I remember thinking that there was NO WAY a baby could survive with the amount of blood I was losing. To my shock, (and everyone else's as well) all the tests and ultrasound showed a happy and thriving baby. My doctor said she could see the blood pouring from the placenta and she was sure it was an abruption. She prepared us that we would not know if the baby could survive or it the placenta would start unraveling for at least 2 weeks.

I was put on complete bed rest and stayed in bed until the bleeding slowed and finally stopped 6 weeks later. It would occasionally come back for a few days at a time, off and on the rest of the pregnancy. When I was doing well, I felt confident. When I had a bad bleeding day or week I worried that I would lose her. I had weekly appointments, stress tests, and ultrasounds to watch Shelby's progress. Every time to my amazement, she looked great and even seemed to be developing at a faster rate than normal! I spent most of my days in bed praying, for Shelby, everyone and everything I could think of. I had a lot of time to think, wonder, and wait. (It was a time of depending completely on God and looking back on it all now, it was a precious time.)

At 35 weeks and 5 days my doctors decided that she was ready and they didn't want to risk it anymore. They sent me up to the hospital around 2:30pm, broke my water and I was holding her at 8:50pm. My delivery was normal, calm, and a joyous end to a very long journey. All are things we prayed for faithfully and hoped on daily."

So here I am in 2010 and we know now that I have a blood clotting disorder. We think that Shelby's abruption was caused by a clot that burst a vein in the placenta, and because the placenta cannot heal it stayed an opening that bled off and on the entire pregnancy. God used that journey to draw us closer and closer to Him. She is here in all her glory and is a constant reminder to me and all who know her story that miracles really do happen.

Happy Birthday Shelby Lyn.....you are an AMAZING gift!!!!

aLL AboArD ThE ROLLer CoaSTEr thAT is mY LiFe!

Okay, so I am not always so strong as I make it seem! This weekend panic hit me that I was 15 weeks and not feeling a baby move yet. I started to feel better and less nauseous, which most people would welcome, but not me. For me it was a sure sign that things were not going well. I spent most of the weekend in deep, deep prayer. I counted down the hours till my appointment on Monday at noon, 36 hours down to 1. I do not want to know how anxious I would have been had I not prayed all weekend, because by the time I walked into the office I was a nervous wreck. My friend Meg called me 10 minutes before my apt. and said, "You in the waiting room? Let's pray!" She prayed for God to let the doctors find the heartbeat quickly this time, to ease my mind, and bring me peace. I, of course agreed with that prayer.

They called my name and I walked back to find out where everything stood. My heart was pounding and my blood was racing. I told the doc that I was nervous and why and she said, "Let's not wait, but hear that heartbeat." She listened and listened. As each minute clicked by the tension grew. I was praying in my head, "Come on God...didn't You hear our prayer 10 minutes ago? Why can't this EVER be easy?" She finally gave up and said she was going to schedule me an ultrasound STAT. I stopped her and asked her if she could please just try listening on my side (remember my dream at 13 weeks?). She said, "Of course. I will do WHATEVER you want!" She put the Doppler on my side and guess what? We heard it....then it disappeared! I smiled and said, "Yep, that is exactly what happened to me last time!" She looked shocked and I explained how God told me in a dream to listen there and that at my last apt. when the doc left the room I picked up the Doppler and heard it for myself. Her jaw was still on the floor at this point and then she started pacing! She kept looking at me in disbelief and said, "We heard it right? I mean your pulse is 97 and this just registered at 135 and 140 on the Doppler. We heard the baby, right? Well Shelli, are you satisfied with that?" I smiled at her and said, " I know we heard the baby, Doctor, but the question is are YOU satisfied?" She said she was, but wanted me to go get the ultrasound anyway.

They called around and gave me a few times and places to choose from. I picked the radiology dept. in McHenry a bit of a drive away. I remembered there was a really sweet ultrasound tech there that I had the privilege to meet during one of our miscarriages. I remembered her to be very kind and compassionate with Mike and I, even crying with us and hugging me as I left. So off I drove hoping she would be there that day.....and she was!

I told Casey why I was there and why I chose to see her that day. She was touched and said, "Enough talk, let's find your baby's heartbeat!" She found it immediately and flipped on the sound so I could see and hear it. She went on to show me the spine, 4 chambers of the heart, bladder, kidneys, legs, arms, fingers and even toes! I asked her if she could see anything else while she was at it.....like what the gender was and to my surprise she saw that too! She smiled and said, "There it is, Shelli. You are now tied 3 & 3, it is a boy!" I instantly cried. How sweet...how special...what a privilege it was to know that we are having another son! I thanked her again and reminded her again that she ROCKS!!!! We said our goodbyes. I was on my way, cell phone in hand, ready to call and share the good news with all those waiting to hear with white knuckles sitting by the phone!

So here is the lesson, Loved Ones.....we pray....God answers. Okay, it is even a bit more than that. God answers His way! And I thank Him for that. If He had answered my way (quick and easy heartbeat) I would have missed the bigger blessing. I needed to see the details of our baby's growth. I needed to know that everything was developing perfectly to have true peace of mind these next few months. God knew that quick just wouldn't cut it for me in the long haul. He answered His way and I was blessed above and beyond.

I know it can sometimes feel like He isn't moving fast enough or hearing us at all....but I am here to tell you that He does hear you and His timing is perfect. Do not give up Dear Ones. Philippians 4:6 tells us to submit EVERYTHING in prayer, that means He can impact EVERYTHING. He hears you....He hears you....He hears you!!!

Psalm 5:3, "In the morning O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."