This morning I was sitting in my chair praying, reading in my Bible and I felt led to go across the room and pick up a journaling book that has been sitting there FOREVER. I thought, ok, I'll dust if off and peek at it. What was the last thing I wrote? It was from almost 8 years ago. Here is the entry:
March 24th, 2009
Well, here I am 1 month later and on the other side of my 3rd miscarriage. My mind is in turmoil and the voice of God is being overpowered by the voices of myself, family, friends and the enemy keeps throwing in his 2 cents as well. What I need is for everyone, including myself, to be silent. I am trying, yet again, to make a decision on our current situation. I am frustrated by God's lack of direction, but upon further reflection His lack of direction should result in my lack of action. Waiting can be just as difficult for me as stillness or quietness. So I am back to the crossroads.....waiting for God to tell me N-S-E-or W. I looked at the previous journal a month ago and it reminded me of something very important:
"I need to pray about this and be sure that my path is being God led, not my desires or emotions. God alone knows what is best for me, what I need and He will supply my answers. In His time, not mine."
All of that is easier said than done. Losing a child is devastating. One minute I am fine and feel like I have accepted the fate of my child. The next minute I am crushed by the reality the pregnancy is over and that I may never experience another. Then a few minutes later I am terrified at the prospect of ever being pregnant again , feeling so sick, worrying every minute about the baby, enduring changing over maternity clothes in my closet to have to pack them up a few weeks later and take them back to the basement. I feel like my 5 kids here can't count on me to have clean underwear in their drawers or enough milk in the fridge. Feeling like Mike is forced to bear an unfair load when I'm pregnant with working so hard and then grabbing groceries on the way home, feeding kids and then put them all to bed in a dirty house. It all leaves me feeling so selfish for desiring another chance. No wonder my heart feels separated from my mind and my soul is stuck in the middle. Deciding to not try again feels as selfish as not trying. Until I hear from God, any move will the wrong one. Please forgive me Lord if the hold up on the next step is because of my stubbornness, but strengthen me for the wait if it is Your's.
Oh sweet Shelli from 8 years ago! I can still feel your pain and confusion. It was such a long hard road. It feels SO LONG AGO, I feel like I KNEW you, not that I AM you! How weird.....and cool. So today I read that and thought I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could give you comforting words like:
-It's going to be ok, really.
-You are going to be amazed at what comes next, like double amazed.
-Don't worry so much, especially about cleaning, you never learn to like it and will always avoid it. The kids learn to help out and you get a robot vacuum someday!
-Trust God, He is trustworthy.
-Mike is going to keep calling you on the way home and grab things from the store, and guess what? You learn to LOVE that!
-The kids are going to be ok. They are going to drive you crazy some days, be helpful, fight, get into trouble, disappoint you, but they are going to end up WONDERFUL ADULTS and make you so proud.
-You are going to stay in love your darling husband, you are even going to keep growing closer when you think it is impossible to do so!
But, I can't go back in time. Nope. No special invention to rewind and give those words to my former self standing at that mountain. I CAN look at the current mountain. There always is one isn't there? I can take those same words of comfort and apply them as I stand here today.
Take heart as you stare that current mountain down! Enjoy the best moments of today. God's got you. Eight years from now you are going to be AMAZED!
"Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and forever" Hebrews 13:8
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