Yesterday was Resurrection Sunday. Millions celebrated the freedom of the cross through Jesus Christ. Churches everywhere preached the Good News and called for lost souls to turn to the cross. So I was picturing it today in my mind and I saw it so clearly. At all times your back is facing something! It is an interesting posture. To turn around you face your back as an action not just a state of being. Kind of like saying, "Talk to the hand!"....just talk to my back!
When we stand before the cross of Christ and accept the free gift of salvation our back is turned against sin. Every time we turn around to sin our back is on the cross. There is no middle ground, no half way, no stopping point as you pivot. You are either facing Jesus or facing your own selfishness.
Psalm 66:16-20
Come and hear, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.
I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.
If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;
but God has surely listened
and has heard my prayer.
Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!
As we consider Jesus' sacrifice on the cross let us see what we must put behind us to take in it's beauty. If we feel distant or unheard, maybe we just need to turn around and face Him. The cross is not just a time of acceptance but a time to turn your back on death and choose life.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Has God failed to live up to your expectations?
John the Immerser was called to a devout and minimalist life. He devoted his entire being to serve God and make ready the way for the Messiah. He died after an obscene dance by a young girl and an even more obscene request. When faced with the executioner's axe we can imagine John was wondering where God was and why He wasn't rescued from being presented on a platter to his enemies. After all, John was a faithful soul assigned with the most important announcement since Gabriel the angel declared Jesus' birth. John was related to Jesus on earth and he did his job perfectly, yet this was his final end. It is reasonable to think John had some unanswered questions!
Scripture tells us that as John sat in his prison cell he second guessed Jesus being the Messiah and sent three of his own disciples to ask Jesus if He truly was the One.
Luke 7:20-23 "When the men came to Jesus, they said, “John the Baptist sent us to you to ask, ‘Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?’” At that very time Jesus cured many who had diseases, sicknesses and evil spirits, and gave sight to many who were blind. So he replied to the messengers, “Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me.”
Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me? What does that mean exactly? I looked up the Commentary on that phrase. It explains it this way:
1. Jesus was intimating that people were going to and currently were being persecuted for believing He was the Messiah.
2. There are reasonable and sufficient arguments to confirm the truth to those that are honest and impartial in searching after it. Having their minds prepared to receive the truth, then we are challenged with objections that cloud the truth and we must resist becoming worldly, careless, confused and sensual.
3. Christ's education in Nazareth, his residence at Galilee, the status of his family and relatives, his poverty, and the commonness of his followers-these were stumbling-blocks to many, which all the miracles he preformed could not help some overcome.
Therefore, You are blessed, when you are wise, humble, and not overcome by these prejudices. It is a sign that God has blessed you, for it is by His grace that you are helped over these stumbling-blocks and you shall be blessed indeed, blessed in Christ.
Jerusalem found itself disappointed a few days after the Triumphal Entry of Jesus. Praise and hope turned to anger and rejection of a man who looked more like a man to them than the God He claimed to be and whom they were waiting for. When faced with this same question of disappointment, they answered by nailing Him to the cross.
So when you look upon your life, prayers, or trials are you disappointed in the results? When you look upon the cross does Jesus fail to live up to your expectations? If so consider this: Life isn't fair.....and if it was I would be the one on that cross and so would you for He paid OUR ransom!
Good Friday gives us chance to revisit the sacrifice Jesus made on our behalf. His ways are not our ways and He may not answer us in the timing or way we think He should. I praise Him for helping me overcome my doubt instead of my doubt overcoming me. (He can do the same for you.)
Thank You Jesus.....it really is a GOOD FRIDAY :)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
He loves FIRST and forsakes LAST....
*Yesterday I was digging and did a search on the word 'forsaken' in the Bible. These are some of the passages that it found and I noticed a theme I'd like to share. Read the passages below and see if you see it too:
Judges 10:13
But you have forsaken me and served other gods, so I will no longer save you.
1 Samuel 12:10
They cried out to the LORD and said, ‘We have sinned; we have forsaken the LORD and served the Baals and the Ashtoreths. But now deliver us from the hands of our enemies, and we will serve you.’
1 Kings 11:33
I will do this because they have forsaken me and worshiped Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, Chemosh the god of the Moabites, and Molek the god of the Ammonites, and have not walked in obedience to me, nor done what is right in my eyes, nor kept my decrees and laws as David, Solomon’s father, did.
2 Chronicles 24:20
Then the Spirit of God came on Zechariah son of Jehoiada the priest. He stood before the people and said, “This is what God says: ‘Why do you disobey the LORD’s commands? You will not prosper. Because you have forsaken the LORD, he has forsaken you.’”
Ezekiel 8:12
He said to me, “Son of man, have you seen what the elders of Israel are doing in the darkness, each at the shrine of his own idol? They say, ‘The LORD does not see us; the LORD has forsaken the land.’”
Ezekiel 20:8
“‘But they rebelled against me and would not listen to me; they did not get rid of the vile images they had set their eyes on, nor did they forsake the idols of Egypt. So I said I would pour out my wrath on them and spend my anger against them in Egypt."
Mark 15:34
And at three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”). (See the blogpost "Got Spring")
Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Revelation 2:4
Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.
Psalm 9:10
Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.
*God promises to never leave or forsake the believer. He loves us first, and forsaking is always a last resort caused by a total rejection of Him.
Matthew 10:33 (NASB)
But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven.
1 John 4:19
We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:10
This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Luke 15:10
In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
2 Peter 3:9
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
*He loves FIRST and forsakes LAST.
Judges 10:13
But you have forsaken me and served other gods, so I will no longer save you.
1 Samuel 12:10
They cried out to the LORD and said, ‘We have sinned; we have forsaken the LORD and served the Baals and the Ashtoreths. But now deliver us from the hands of our enemies, and we will serve you.’
1 Kings 11:33
I will do this because they have forsaken me and worshiped Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, Chemosh the god of the Moabites, and Molek the god of the Ammonites, and have not walked in obedience to me, nor done what is right in my eyes, nor kept my decrees and laws as David, Solomon’s father, did.
2 Chronicles 24:20
Then the Spirit of God came on Zechariah son of Jehoiada the priest. He stood before the people and said, “This is what God says: ‘Why do you disobey the LORD’s commands? You will not prosper. Because you have forsaken the LORD, he has forsaken you.’”
Ezekiel 8:12
He said to me, “Son of man, have you seen what the elders of Israel are doing in the darkness, each at the shrine of his own idol? They say, ‘The LORD does not see us; the LORD has forsaken the land.’”
Ezekiel 20:8
“‘But they rebelled against me and would not listen to me; they did not get rid of the vile images they had set their eyes on, nor did they forsake the idols of Egypt. So I said I would pour out my wrath on them and spend my anger against them in Egypt."
Mark 15:34
And at three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”). (See the blogpost "Got Spring")
Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Revelation 2:4
Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.
Psalm 9:10
Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.
*God promises to never leave or forsake the believer. He loves us first, and forsaking is always a last resort caused by a total rejection of Him.
Matthew 10:33 (NASB)
But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven.
1 John 4:19
We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:10
This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Luke 15:10
In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
2 Peter 3:9
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
*He loves FIRST and forsakes LAST.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Got Spring?
Spring is here! Finally! We are so happy to see the first bit of color break through the brown and burst into our garden reminding us that new life is just around the corner. The most important season of the Christian calendar is upon us, Easter, or Resurrection Sunday as some prefer to call it. Recently we have started a new family devotional book in the evening with our children that is written one lesson for each day of the year. Being in April we could feel the anticipation growing that we were getting close to the cross. Every night it has been getting closer and then last night...PLOP! There it was in our laps, a challenge of our present day thinking.
There is a very respected teaching in the world today that interprets Matthew 27:46 "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" as a moment when God turned His back on Jesus at the sight of the sin of the world hanging on Him. My intention in explaining this is not to open up a theological can of worms, because believe me I am no theologian, but to challenge the believer to see Jesus and His words clearly.
It is an important question to ponder, did God forsake Jesus (for even a second) or didn't He? If the answer is yes, then why does He say over and over in His Word that He will not ever leave or forsake me? After all, I am dirt, not fit to tie the sandals on the feet of Christ. (See Deut 31:6,8, Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5, Psalms 23:4, 37:25)
I have personally struggled with this concept for most of my Christian life until a couple of years ago. I heard a teaching by Voddie Baucham where he helps to explain these words uttered by Christ from the cross.
First, we need to understand that in the times of Jesus very few had the Word on paper. Some wealthy people and temples were the owners of the scrolls containing Scripture. For the masses the way the Word was shared was verbally as the scroll was read or memorized and then recited. The Word of God was handed down generation by generation as an oral tradition.
Second, we need to know that in a temple service the "reader" would call out the first line of the passage to let the people know what was about to be read. Today, the passages are organized by chapter and verse for the believer. If you look in your Bible at the words in Matthew 27:46 and then look at the cross reference it sends you to Psalm 22:1. Actually every gospel account sends you to Psalm 22:1. Why? Because Psalm 22:1 is the very words Jesus said, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me." (In the Hebrew and then translated into the Greek for the New Testament reader)
You see Jesus knew the Word better than anyone that has ever walked the earth before or since. The Jews were there watching the scene unfold. They had been waiting for a Messiah to come and fulfill the prophesies for hundreds of years. Jesus was fulfilling them as they watched, but some were just not getting it. The way my Pastor would tell us to turn to Psalm 22:1 today, Jesus was telling them to recall the Psalm and compare it to what they were first hand witnesses to at Golgotha. Here is the 22nd Psalm in it's entirety:
Psalm 22
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from my cries of anguish?
My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, but I find no rest.
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the one Israel praises.
In you our ancestors put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
To you they cried out and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
All who see me mock me;
they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
“He trusts in the LORD,” they say,
“let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
since he delights in him.”
Yet you brought me out of the womb;
you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
From birth I was cast on you;
from my mother’s womb you have been my God.
Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.
Many bulls surround me;
strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
Roaring lions that tear their prey
open their mouths wide against me.
I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
it has melted within me.
My mouth is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
you lay me in the dust of death.
Dogs surround me,
a pack of villains encircles me;
they pierce[e] my hands and my feet.
All my bones are on display;
people stare and gloat over me.
They divide my clothes among them
and cast lots for my garment.
But you, LORD, do not be far from me.
You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
Deliver me from the sword,
my precious life from the power of the dogs.
Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
save me from the horns of the wild oxen.
I will declare your name to my people;
in the assembly I will praise you.
You who fear the LORD, praise him!
All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!
For he has not despised or scorned
the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
but has listened to his cry for help.
From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;
before those who fear you I will fulfill my vows.
The poor will eat and be satisfied;
those who seek the LORD will praise him—
may your hearts live forever!
All the ends of the earth
will remember and turn to the LORD,
and all the families of the nations
will bow down before him,
for dominion belongs to the LORD
and he rules over the nations.
All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—
those who cannot keep themselves alive.
Posterity will serve him;
future generations will be told about the Lord.
They will proclaim his righteousness,
declaring to a people yet unborn:
He has done it!
The Word says Jesus knew the plan. He knew exactly what He was supposed to do. He asked God to let the cup pass if there was any other way. There was no plan B. It had been set from the foundations of the earth.
John 19:28-30 says, "Later, knowing that all was now completed, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, 'I am thirsty.' A jar of wine vinegar was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to Jesus' lips. When he had received the drink, Jesus said, 'It is finished.' With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." (see Psalm 69:21)
I do not believe the modern day teaching that says Jesus was reacting from a feeling of abandonment from God, like what was in our family devotional last night. But I believe His words hold deeper meaning and that Jesus was directing an unbelieving crowd to the truth with His final breaths. He still directs us today with those precious words, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Just turn to Psalm 22:1 and see that "HE HAS DONE IT!!! Oh Glory! He will never leave us or forsake us!!!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
God Calling......
What are we called to exactly once we choose Jesus? I mean really, what is required and what isn't? This is when I wish I had a phone that God could actually use to call me on and tell me what I am expected to do and what is just meerly a suggestion?
I instantly thought of the time in Matthew when the Pharisees got together and tried to trick Jesus into choosing the greatest commandment.
"Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question:“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:34-40
If we follow Jesus' teachings the rest of what we 'should' do should fall into line. Unfortunately we can get busy, blind, or complacent. We can easily slip and become more like the Pharisees picking and choosing the call on our Christian life turning our backs or passing by precious faces.
As Christians we are expected (by God) to care for the oppressed, orphaned, poor and widowed. Look at the following passages with me:
"Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow." Isaiah 1:17
"And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday." Isaiah 58:10
"This is what the LORD says: Do what is just and right. Rescue from the hand of the oppressor the one who has been robbed. Do no wrong or violence to the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place." Jeremiah 22:3
"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:26-27
If you do a keyword search on your bible software (or www.biblegateway.com) for widow, orphan, oppressed or fatherless dozens of passages pop up from the beginning of the Bible to the end. They describe a loving Father hearing them, a Just God looking out for and defending them, a Thoughtful Creator making a way for them and a call for us to care for them as His arms. If we really mean that we want to be Christlike we have to take up their cause. I don't know how you could read those Scriptures and conclude that it is someone else's call.
Now, before you check out on me and click on someone else's blog...hear me out! I am not suggesting that everyone needs to pack up their belongings and move to Africa to run an orphanage, or start a widow support group in your home on Tues. nights, or go completely off your rocker and open your home adopting twins! (Although it would be pretty cool if you did :) But, I AM suggesting that if you aren't actively supporting adoption, widows, oppressed or the poor, you should!
Whew! That was hard. I am not exactly a finger pointer. Sorry if that made you uncomfortable, but don't take my word for it or accept a feeling of condemnation....grab your Bible and read it for yourself and wait for a healthy dose of conviction.
A good friend of mine has set up an adoption support ministry. She has devoted her life and her heart to the cause of the fatherless. She put together this video for her latest seminar. Please take a moment and look at the real faces of children God dearly loves and has a plan and purpose for. Look at the families that have answered His call in a big way. Ask yourself, is God calling me to do the same?
I instantly thought of the time in Matthew when the Pharisees got together and tried to trick Jesus into choosing the greatest commandment.
"Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question:“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:34-40
If we follow Jesus' teachings the rest of what we 'should' do should fall into line. Unfortunately we can get busy, blind, or complacent. We can easily slip and become more like the Pharisees picking and choosing the call on our Christian life turning our backs or passing by precious faces.
As Christians we are expected (by God) to care for the oppressed, orphaned, poor and widowed. Look at the following passages with me:
"Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow." Isaiah 1:17
"And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday." Isaiah 58:10
"This is what the LORD says: Do what is just and right. Rescue from the hand of the oppressor the one who has been robbed. Do no wrong or violence to the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place." Jeremiah 22:3
"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:26-27
If you do a keyword search on your bible software (or www.biblegateway.com) for widow, orphan, oppressed or fatherless dozens of passages pop up from the beginning of the Bible to the end. They describe a loving Father hearing them, a Just God looking out for and defending them, a Thoughtful Creator making a way for them and a call for us to care for them as His arms. If we really mean that we want to be Christlike we have to take up their cause. I don't know how you could read those Scriptures and conclude that it is someone else's call.
Now, before you check out on me and click on someone else's blog...hear me out! I am not suggesting that everyone needs to pack up their belongings and move to Africa to run an orphanage, or start a widow support group in your home on Tues. nights, or go completely off your rocker and open your home adopting twins! (Although it would be pretty cool if you did :) But, I AM suggesting that if you aren't actively supporting adoption, widows, oppressed or the poor, you should!
Whew! That was hard. I am not exactly a finger pointer. Sorry if that made you uncomfortable, but don't take my word for it or accept a feeling of condemnation....grab your Bible and read it for yourself and wait for a healthy dose of conviction.
A good friend of mine has set up an adoption support ministry. She has devoted her life and her heart to the cause of the fatherless. She put together this video for her latest seminar. Please take a moment and look at the real faces of children God dearly loves and has a plan and purpose for. Look at the families that have answered His call in a big way. Ask yourself, is God calling me to do the same?
It's okay if God isn't calling you to adopt, but it would be hard to convince me that He is calling you to inaction. I ask you to pray about what He is calling you to do.
My daddy's favorite t-shirt was plain black and it said in white letters:
"FEED THE CHILDREN"
He supported that ministry with his whole heart and wore that shirt almost everyday until he died. It can be that simple.
Links to explore:
Monday, February 7, 2011
Sitting on the Sidelines.....
Don't get me wrong, I ADORE the twins and am loving every minute of being a mommy to 7 incredible children, but I have been feeling a little bit down lately. I am so used to being in the thick of ministry (official and personal) that I have been battling my thoughts a little bit. I am not leading a Bible Study at the moment, or even attending one. I am not teaching anything (outside of my children). I am not writing a new study or leading anything at the moment. For goodness sakes, I didn't even attend the Women's Retreat and that is always so special to me.
To say it candidly, I feel a bit lost and left behind in the "Land of Poopy Diapers!" Sleep and a home cooked meal are hot commodities at the moment. I have been praying a lot in those wee hours in the morning and asking God to help me feel content in this season. Honestly, I would have GLADLY given up leading, teaching, writing, studying or attending the retreat if He asked me to in order to have the babies. So, it seems to make sense to not bellyache about it now. The problem isn't God's, it's mine. I seem to have Wonder Woman syndrome. I think I can do it all----ALL THE TIME!
This month provides another challenge. I have a dear friend that is pregnant and about to deliver in the next week or so. We were pregnant together and due on the same day. I thought this one would be difficult, but it hasn't been. I am so thankful for God's plan and for the blessings of Micah and Mariah that I have only joy for her. I have been so healed of our miscarriage loss back in Sept. that it feels like years ago, not months. Life has marched on and ours' has changed dramatically. God has been good, very good, and I am still amazed at how He has blessed us.
So, I sit in church and watch my sisters in Christ, feeling like I am on the sidelines and they are in the game. And you know what? For the most part...I am okay with that. But, I would be lying if I didn't say there was a tinge of wishing I could minister in some way. So, like I said earlier it has been on my heart and I have been asking God how I could possibly add serving into my very demanding family life. He has answered me in the sweetest of ways!
Yesterday I was in church and a friend came up to me and asked for a copy of the Bible Study I wrote for girls on inner beauty. She told me about someone who wanted to do a study like it with her daughter. I smiled as I handed her the copy I just "happened" to bring to church with me! Hmmmmm....I think I just ministered in some small way!
Then she told me about another person she told about my blog and how I wrote about my miscarriages in a very transparent way. She said her friend went here and read it and she felt less alone in her loss. Hmmmm.....ministry?
Then today I received a phone call from a friend who told me how her and her husband reached out and helped a couple in a similar situation they were just in and encouraged them that it was going to be okay. They shared with them how God helped them through this challenge and to continue to trust Him. She said, "Shelli, we learned that from you and Mike, because you did it for us when we were there!" I cried. There is 3 different times in 3 different ways God was able to use me without me! The Lord knew I was feeling left out and He made it a point to show me that I am not.
He has called me to be focused on our incredible 7 children. He has asked me to care for these baby twins, love on them, bath them, change them, hold them through the night and that means I have to give up some freedom. I'm okay with that! Now that I think about it, I actually feel quite honored!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
What to do when you feel stuck?
Every thing that is ever put into your path has a reason. Every person you come in contact with has a story. And as Beth Moore says, "If you are in it then it is crucial to your walk!" I always try to remember this when I feel stuck in a circumstance or situation. We knew there would be a chance I would end up away from the family for a while when the twins were born, but I never imagined it would be for so long. Today is day 11. Wow! I was homesick at 3. I have had many long days and nights when I have missed my family at home so much, but then I hold a baby and snuggle them tight and praise God I am here. The other day I passed a little girl that reminded me of Shelby, she was crying for her mama in the waiting room....it broke my heart and I went back to my room and cried.
So here are a few things that have happened that help me stay still as I wait on God's timing....
1. A 3lb. baby girl was born last week and as the transport team walked in to take her to another hospital the driver stopped and stared at Micah. He told me how when his son was born he almost died and his wife as well. All he had was his baby to hold while he waited to see if his wife would make it for 6 days! (She did :) Micah's size reminded him of that week and brought back a lot of memories. He started to tear up and then he said, "Anyway, you look great for having them a week ago, WOW!" When I informed him that I was not the birthmother, but adopted mother he instantly started crying. He told me how he was adopted and he wondered if he and his wife should adopt, because they couldn't have anymore children naturally. I shared with him the process and how we found out about the twins. He left with something exciting to think about.
2. Our 2nd night in the NICU a nurse was asking me questions about the twins, the adoption, and our story. I shared with her how God had miraculously opened the door to the twins and how we were able to push the usually long and difficult adoption process through in just a few weeks. She started to cry and shared with me that her job was a hard one. Many of the babies that come into the NICU do not have such a happy ending. There are many babies that come in drug addicted or with unstable families. She said some days it is hard for her to come to work, but that our story is one she will cherish to get her through the difficult times for many years to come.
3. A teen mom was here for our first week. I listened to her struggle, cry, and verbally beat herself up. She was trying to nurse and pump for her preemie, she was in intense pain and about to give up. I suggested to the nurses to call their lactation specialist in to talk to her. It helped and she was able to nurse almost exclusively before she left. She also poured her heart out to nurses about how she loved the birthfather, but he was not interested in being around for them. The day before she went home I went to the store and bought her a baby gift for her daughter and left it on her bed with a prayer from Micah and Mariah. (We) told her to seek the Lord for strength and direction and prayed for her and her baby to be blessed all the days of their lives. She came in very touched and told the nurses to thank me.
4. The nurses have become my friends. Several have shared with me their struggles with adult children. One was adopted and let me ask her a million questions about how to talk about it with the twins someday. One is in the process of adopting her grandchildren and we talked about the challenges of that. Another asked me parenting advice for the kids we have in common by age or gender. The younger single nurses hang on my every word when I talk about marriage or relationships. There is another nurse here that we have spent many nights talking about my miscarriages. She said it has helped her to see how those who have lost babies might be feeling and she now knows better how to talk to them.
5. The biggest place I have seen the twins make an impact is how people view adoption. When I came in here there were many who had a critical view of the process especially the birthmother. Some have seen more clearly through the eyes of the adopted parents, siblings, and the birth family the love that it takes to open your heart to God's plan for His children. They can see a different perspective than they have before. By being "stuck" here, I have been given the opportunity to share with many that birthmoms are hero's because they chose to give their babies life!
I guess it isn't all about me getting my babies home, but about completing the work God wants to do through our family.
So, what should you do when you feel stuck????? Whatever it is God is calling you to do.
So here are a few things that have happened that help me stay still as I wait on God's timing....
1. A 3lb. baby girl was born last week and as the transport team walked in to take her to another hospital the driver stopped and stared at Micah. He told me how when his son was born he almost died and his wife as well. All he had was his baby to hold while he waited to see if his wife would make it for 6 days! (She did :) Micah's size reminded him of that week and brought back a lot of memories. He started to tear up and then he said, "Anyway, you look great for having them a week ago, WOW!" When I informed him that I was not the birthmother, but adopted mother he instantly started crying. He told me how he was adopted and he wondered if he and his wife should adopt, because they couldn't have anymore children naturally. I shared with him the process and how we found out about the twins. He left with something exciting to think about.
2. Our 2nd night in the NICU a nurse was asking me questions about the twins, the adoption, and our story. I shared with her how God had miraculously opened the door to the twins and how we were able to push the usually long and difficult adoption process through in just a few weeks. She started to cry and shared with me that her job was a hard one. Many of the babies that come into the NICU do not have such a happy ending. There are many babies that come in drug addicted or with unstable families. She said some days it is hard for her to come to work, but that our story is one she will cherish to get her through the difficult times for many years to come.
3. A teen mom was here for our first week. I listened to her struggle, cry, and verbally beat herself up. She was trying to nurse and pump for her preemie, she was in intense pain and about to give up. I suggested to the nurses to call their lactation specialist in to talk to her. It helped and she was able to nurse almost exclusively before she left. She also poured her heart out to nurses about how she loved the birthfather, but he was not interested in being around for them. The day before she went home I went to the store and bought her a baby gift for her daughter and left it on her bed with a prayer from Micah and Mariah. (We) told her to seek the Lord for strength and direction and prayed for her and her baby to be blessed all the days of their lives. She came in very touched and told the nurses to thank me.
4. The nurses have become my friends. Several have shared with me their struggles with adult children. One was adopted and let me ask her a million questions about how to talk about it with the twins someday. One is in the process of adopting her grandchildren and we talked about the challenges of that. Another asked me parenting advice for the kids we have in common by age or gender. The younger single nurses hang on my every word when I talk about marriage or relationships. There is another nurse here that we have spent many nights talking about my miscarriages. She said it has helped her to see how those who have lost babies might be feeling and she now knows better how to talk to them.
5. The biggest place I have seen the twins make an impact is how people view adoption. When I came in here there were many who had a critical view of the process especially the birthmother. Some have seen more clearly through the eyes of the adopted parents, siblings, and the birth family the love that it takes to open your heart to God's plan for His children. They can see a different perspective than they have before. By being "stuck" here, I have been given the opportunity to share with many that birthmoms are hero's because they chose to give their babies life!
I guess it isn't all about me getting my babies home, but about completing the work God wants to do through our family.
So, what should you do when you feel stuck????? Whatever it is God is calling you to do.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
A Double Portion....
So how did we get here? 17 years ago Mike asked me to marry him. I said YES! In the months that followed during our engagement I asked the most important question to me, "How many kids do you want and if we can't have them biologically are you open to adoption?" To which Mike answered, "Two biological kids and as many adopted kids as we can handle!" I knew it, he was the ONE for me!
So we did have our two kids, and then a third, a shocking miscarriage at 17 weeks, then healthy baby #4, next came #5, then a string of 4 more very difficult miscarriages. It was much more complicated than that, but I am simplifying so we can get to the twins! In between pregnancies #3 and #10 we talked about adoption. We knew that someday the timing would be right and we would move forward, but weren't sure when.
Two months ago, September 22, 2010, we were in labor and delivery holding our stillborn son Levi (he was 18 weeks) and we both knew it was time to seek a new path. As I was recovering in the maternity ward I actually started searching for agencies and state requirements. I thought I must be crazy, hormonal, or just plain nuts! I emailed an agency for more information and before I left the hospital they replied back and I had an appointment. I thought, "Uh oh, I better tell my husband what I just did!"
He was so excited. He came home from work the next day and told me he couldn't stop thinking about it and he was researching countries for us to check into. We were both ready to walk a new path, the path to adoption.
Two months ago, September 22, 2010, we were in labor and delivery holding our stillborn son Levi (he was 18 weeks) and we both knew it was time to seek a new path. As I was recovering in the maternity ward I actually started searching for agencies and state requirements. I thought I must be crazy, hormonal, or just plain nuts! I emailed an agency for more information and before I left the hospital they replied back and I had an appointment. I thought, "Uh oh, I better tell my husband what I just did!"
He was so excited. He came home from work the next day and told me he couldn't stop thinking about it and he was researching countries for us to check into. We were both ready to walk a new path, the path to adoption.
Have you ever heard, "Be Careful what you pray for"? Oct
14th we had our dear friends Dejan and Michelle, Bosnian Missionaries visit us overnight on their stateside trip. We shared with them that we were ready to move forward and seek out an adoption. Dejan offered to pray over us and ask for God's blessing. He prayed for God to open and close the doors, reveal to us the path to take, confirm it clearly by two or three, and bless us with a double portion. We agreed in prayer with all of it...YES LORD, let it be!!!
One week later our appointment with an adoption agency arrived. We went with open hearts and received all the information we needed to take the next step. I was overwhelmed by the paperwork that had to be done, the online courses, well-water testing, doggie shot records, background checks, fingerprinting, CPR course, references, and on and on. They told us to expect it to take 3-6 months to complete a home study and then 2-3 years to be placed with a child, most likely from Ethiopia since we already had five kids. That is perfect, we thought, we will have PLENTY of time to get ready and save up the $$$.
14th we had our dear friends Dejan and Michelle, Bosnian Missionaries visit us overnight on their stateside trip. We shared with them that we were ready to move forward and seek out an adoption. Dejan offered to pray over us and ask for God's blessing. He prayed for God to open and close the doors, reveal to us the path to take, confirm it clearly by two or three, and bless us with a double portion. We agreed in prayer with all of it...YES LORD, let it be!!!One week later our appointment with an adoption agency arrived. We went with open hearts and received all the information we needed to take the next step. I was overwhelmed by the paperwork that had to be done, the online courses, well-water testing, doggie shot records, background checks, fingerprinting, CPR course, references, and on and on. They told us to expect it to take 3-6 months to complete a home study and then 2-3 years to be placed with a child, most likely from Ethiopia since we already had five kids. That is perfect, we thought, we will have PLENTY of time to get ready and save up the $$$.
The next day I was sitting at Burger King play area letting my 5 kids run off some energy giving me time to start filling out the first form when an old friend called. "Whatcha been up to?", she asked. "Filling out adoption applications" I said. I went on to tell her what we had decided and asked her to keep us in prayer. She asked me a question that will forever change our lives, "Would you take twins?" I quickly answered, "Of COURSE we would!" She knew of a pregnant woman that had been praying for a family to come along and adopt her twins. She wanted a family that loved the Lord and children with all their hearts. She had been crying out to God for 2 months to send her a family that would take care of them and keep them together for she was unable. My friend called her and told her about our family. She gave her our information and she called me. I asked her to friend me on facebook so she could look at our pictures of our family, our church, our holidays, our daily lives and homeschool. I asked her to be sure this is what she wanted for her babies. Twelve hours later she messaged me that she knew we were the family she was praying for. So we scheduled a meeting, we cried, we hugged, we prayed, and we discussed the future for both of our families.
There were some mountains to climb and fast. We only had only a few weeks until the doctors thought the babies would be born and we hadn't even begun the legal process at all. To make things more complicated she lived out of state and that meant we had 2 states to comply with, we needed 2 lawyers, 2 agencies and 2 social workers all working together......and we needed the whole process to be expedited to avoid the twins being placed in foster care until completion.
Oh yeah, and we needed the money to be paid for all these procedures in full before the babies would be placed with us. God jump started a miracle that only He could accomplish. We saw a mountain of paperwork and requirements. I decided to make it my full time job as I made lists everyday and checked them off one by one. I would spend 12-15 hours a day running around town, counties, and to fax machines. Some nights I would pace the hallway and have moments of "What if she changes her mind, how are we going to cover the check we just wrote, how are we going to afford formula and diapers, what if the babies are too early and can't breathe, what if....what if.....what if.....
My awesome husband would calm me down and remind me to take one step at a time. He would smile and say there was no turning back now, we were already invested in these little babies and had to walk by faith. Everyday we were supplied with a fresh miracle. Everyday we were given the strength to carry on. Everyday we were one step closer to meeting our new babies.
The money needed still plagued us. We were writing retainer checks for thousands of dollars, not quite sure how they were all going to clear. (I call them faith payments :) We were thinking of it as one adoption, but quickly found out it was two and that meant double payments and fees, too. I asked my best friend to pray for a financial miracle and one day we got it. Mike had figured out a way to pay for the adoptions by taking a loan from our IRA account. We would make payments with interest to ourselves allowing us to avoid any outside debt and to pay it back over a few years. We withdrew the money in one day and had the money we needed to move forward. A few days later we learned about the adoption tax credit and realized that by keeping good records and following the tax code we would receive most to all the money back through our taxes. We had just received a financial miracle, a double portion of finances.
In just 3 short (although it felt long) weeks we had officially completed all of our requirements and were licensed to adopt! It was truly a miracle. Three days later I received THE phone call, they were going to induce her at 35 weeks. I was to go up to the hospital immediately. I was devastated. Mike had just left to go to his cousin's funeral. This is not how I envisioned our journey. I jumped into my car, dropped off the kids at grandma and grandpa's and headed North crying the entire way. I sat in the waiting room and prayed like a mad woman. I was getting updates by text and was quickly forwarding them to Mike and my prayer warriors around the country. We were praying for a safe delivery for the babies, and also for the birth mom and her family's hearts. It as becoming all too real that our joyful day was going to be very painful for the birth family.
After a couple of hours I saw two rolling cribs go down the hallway. I instantly leap for joy and tears ran down my cheeks. A few moments later one baby rolled past me and into the NICU. I was thinking, "Oh my goodness was that one of them?" Within seconds a nurse came out and said, "Mrs. Chinlund, would you like to come in and meet your son?" I followed her into the room, washed my hands and put on the sterile gloves. I walked over to his incubator and put my hands in to touch him.
In that moment the world stood still.
I felt a rush of emotion and energy from my head to my toes. It was like God bonded us together in an instant. I had never experienced something quite like that in all my life. Fifteen minutes later another crib rolled in, it was our daughter. I walked over and placed my hands in her incubator and it happened again, a rush of energy and emotion that bonded us forever. A few days later our entire family was able to come up and visit. It all seemed so surreal, our new reality, a double portion from heaven.
Oh yeah, and we needed the money to be paid for all these procedures in full before the babies would be placed with us. God jump started a miracle that only He could accomplish. We saw a mountain of paperwork and requirements. I decided to make it my full time job as I made lists everyday and checked them off one by one. I would spend 12-15 hours a day running around town, counties, and to fax machines. Some nights I would pace the hallway and have moments of "What if she changes her mind, how are we going to cover the check we just wrote, how are we going to afford formula and diapers, what if the babies are too early and can't breathe, what if....what if.....what if.....
My awesome husband would calm me down and remind me to take one step at a time. He would smile and say there was no turning back now, we were already invested in these little babies and had to walk by faith. Everyday we were supplied with a fresh miracle. Everyday we were given the strength to carry on. Everyday we were one step closer to meeting our new babies.
The money needed still plagued us. We were writing retainer checks for thousands of dollars, not quite sure how they were all going to clear. (I call them faith payments :) We were thinking of it as one adoption, but quickly found out it was two and that meant double payments and fees, too. I asked my best friend to pray for a financial miracle and one day we got it. Mike had figured out a way to pay for the adoptions by taking a loan from our IRA account. We would make payments with interest to ourselves allowing us to avoid any outside debt and to pay it back over a few years. We withdrew the money in one day and had the money we needed to move forward. A few days later we learned about the adoption tax credit and realized that by keeping good records and following the tax code we would receive most to all the money back through our taxes. We had just received a financial miracle, a double portion of finances.
In just 3 short (although it felt long) weeks we had officially completed all of our requirements and were licensed to adopt! It was truly a miracle. Three days later I received THE phone call, they were going to induce her at 35 weeks. I was to go up to the hospital immediately. I was devastated. Mike had just left to go to his cousin's funeral. This is not how I envisioned our journey. I jumped into my car, dropped off the kids at grandma and grandpa's and headed North crying the entire way. I sat in the waiting room and prayed like a mad woman. I was getting updates by text and was quickly forwarding them to Mike and my prayer warriors around the country. We were praying for a safe delivery for the babies, and also for the birth mom and her family's hearts. It as becoming all too real that our joyful day was going to be very painful for the birth family.
After a couple of hours I saw two rolling cribs go down the hallway. I instantly leap for joy and tears ran down my cheeks. A few moments later one baby rolled past me and into the NICU. I was thinking, "Oh my goodness was that one of them?" Within seconds a nurse came out and said, "Mrs. Chinlund, would you like to come in and meet your son?" I followed her into the room, washed my hands and put on the sterile gloves. I walked over to his incubator and put my hands in to touch him.
In that moment the world stood still.
I felt a rush of emotion and energy from my head to my toes. It was like God bonded us together in an instant. I had never experienced something quite like that in all my life. Fifteen minutes later another crib rolled in, it was our daughter. I walked over and placed my hands in her incubator and it happened again, a rush of energy and emotion that bonded us forever. A few days later our entire family was able to come up and visit. It all seemed so surreal, our new reality, a double portion from heaven.
Micah and Mariah were born 1 month and 5 days after Mike and I took our first step on the path of adoption. It blows my mind that I was pregnant with Levi at the same time as their birth mom. It was as if he was a place holder in our hearts for the two souls to come. They are so precious and I tear up every time I think about this amazing opportunity our family has been given. I cannot wait to share with them how they were created by a Great God that loves them and knew them from the foundations of the earth. I want them to always know they have a beautiful and loving birth mother that chose to give them life. Our family has been entrusted with a very precious gift, one we will never take for granted.
Make no mistake, adoption is a very beautiful thing. There are parts that are stressful, sticky or painful, but overall it is an act of love. Adoption stories are wonderful reminders that we are all adopted by our Father in Heaven.
If I can convince you of anything let it be this: God has a plan...His timing is incredible...He hears you....He can move mountains...and He is Faithful! Nothing is impossible with our God!!!
Trust the LORD with all your heart and then hold on...it is one WILD ride! Pray with expectancy. To Him be all the glory, honor, and praise!
Monday, October 18, 2010
A "Simple" Call...
We had friends over for dinner last night. After pizza and cupcakes from the church bake sale today we all settled into the basement for some fun and slightly competitive time around the pool table. My closest girlfriend sat on the couch after beating me (barely...LOL) and we started chatting. I gave her an update and ran down the list of things we have been doing. We talked about the individual challenges we have been facing lately and I felt heavier and heavier with each thing I revealed. She looks me straight in the eyes and said...."So, what else is going on in the world of Shelli? I mean, it's you and that can't be all you are doing!"
She knows me so well. I am the Queen of Busyness. She went on to ask me about what Bible Study I was thinking of leading next, what family devotional I was writing, personal Bible study I was studying, what my ideas were for reaching the lost...women's ministry...she asked and asked! I felt a bit like I was going through a medieval gauntlet. I mean come on, I don't have the energy to do anything extra right now, but can barely keep my own head above the water. She challenged me! I know she didn't mean to, but none the less, she did. I woke up this morning and in my quiet time I asked the Lord, what is it YOU want me to do? I know I can't do it all.....(normally I think I can), but ya know right now, I just can't!
So here are my top things that I believe the Lord is calling me to focus on right now:
Personal prayer time (1 Chr 16:10-12)
Supporting my husband (Eph 5:22-23)
Family prayer and devotions (Deut 6:7)
Maintaining my home and kids' education (Deut 6)
Caring for my body (1 Cor 6:19-20)
Going to church (Heb 10:25)
Encouraging others along the way/witnessing (Heb 3:13)
But Lord, what about Women's Ministry Bible Study? You study....I teach you!
But Lord, what about small group? You have one....the Chinlund Family!
But Lord, what about accountability? Are you telling me that your kids let you get away with ANYTHING????
But Lord, what about serving? You are my hands and feet...follow me and we will serve constantly.
But Lord, what about people that need me to do things for them? No sweet child...they need ME, not you.
So I challenge you the way I have been challenged. (Remember misery loves company!!!! :) Seek the Lord and answer the call to simplify. If you feel like you have to much time on your hands fill it with a conversation to the Almighty. If we do a little house cleaning we will be able to figure out what we were REALLY supposed to be doing all along!
I ran across this passage this morning...look at 1 Cor 16:12, "Now about our brother Apollos; I strongly urge him to go you with the brothers. He was quite unwilling to go now, but he will go when he has the opportunity."
Here are a few things we can learn from this passage:
1. Apollos was not afraid to say no to Paul the apostle!
2. The Lord provides the opportunities and we are wise to follow Him!
3. Do not be captivity to activity!
The world calls us to busyness. The Lord calls us to simplify and focus on HIM! After this mental exercise this morning I feel balanced. It is true, if you follow Him, His yoke is easy and His burden is light! (Matthew 11:30)
She knows me so well. I am the Queen of Busyness. She went on to ask me about what Bible Study I was thinking of leading next, what family devotional I was writing, personal Bible study I was studying, what my ideas were for reaching the lost...women's ministry...she asked and asked! I felt a bit like I was going through a medieval gauntlet. I mean come on, I don't have the energy to do anything extra right now, but can barely keep my own head above the water. She challenged me! I know she didn't mean to, but none the less, she did. I woke up this morning and in my quiet time I asked the Lord, what is it YOU want me to do? I know I can't do it all.....(normally I think I can), but ya know right now, I just can't!
So here are my top things that I believe the Lord is calling me to focus on right now:
Personal prayer time (1 Chr 16:10-12)
Supporting my husband (Eph 5:22-23)
Family prayer and devotions (Deut 6:7)
Maintaining my home and kids' education (Deut 6)
Caring for my body (1 Cor 6:19-20)
Going to church (Heb 10:25)
Encouraging others along the way/witnessing (Heb 3:13)
But Lord, what about Women's Ministry Bible Study? You study....I teach you!
But Lord, what about small group? You have one....the Chinlund Family!
But Lord, what about accountability? Are you telling me that your kids let you get away with ANYTHING????
But Lord, what about serving? You are my hands and feet...follow me and we will serve constantly.
But Lord, what about people that need me to do things for them? No sweet child...they need ME, not you.
So I challenge you the way I have been challenged. (Remember misery loves company!!!! :) Seek the Lord and answer the call to simplify. If you feel like you have to much time on your hands fill it with a conversation to the Almighty. If we do a little house cleaning we will be able to figure out what we were REALLY supposed to be doing all along!
I ran across this passage this morning...look at 1 Cor 16:12, "Now about our brother Apollos; I strongly urge him to go you with the brothers. He was quite unwilling to go now, but he will go when he has the opportunity."
Here are a few things we can learn from this passage:
1. Apollos was not afraid to say no to Paul the apostle!
2. The Lord provides the opportunities and we are wise to follow Him!
3. Do not be captivity to activity!
The world calls us to busyness. The Lord calls us to simplify and focus on HIM! After this mental exercise this morning I feel balanced. It is true, if you follow Him, His yoke is easy and His burden is light! (Matthew 11:30)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Husbands are like a T-shirt....
Well, I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling....it was like..."Whew! I picked the right one!" I not talking about the right house, town, or car...but my husband! Michael has been God's greatest gift to me. I used to think it was the kids. It is hard to say that it is not the kids and I don't think I would even be offended if he said the kids were God's greatest gift to him.We "celebrated" our 16th Wedding Anniversary on Friday. It was interesting! I met him at hockey practice with the boys and as I sat down to watch them when, the tears started to roll! I had been fighting the urge to cry all day and for some reason when Mike comes around I go "off duty" with the kids and allow myself to grieve our recent loss. So, I waved him down on the ice and in (really bad) sign language told him I would meet him at home. It was a long drive, but felt very healing. I sat in bumper to bumper traffic crying and praying, weeping and pouring my heart out to God. I knew that meant I was going to be basket case for dinner. When Mike came home he said, "Alright, let's go!" I looked up at him and said basically, "No way, you're crazy, I will cry through the entire dinner, I'm not even hungry now, and WHY would we pay big bucks for that?" He said, "Okay, I know it has been hard being married to me for 16 years, but you don't have to cry about it! Now let's go!"
We did go....I did cry through my appetizer, salad, and half of my chicken with artichokes and mushrooms over wild rice. We sat there in silence eating, holding hands under the table when Mike said with a smile, "Well, I don't think we will forget this dinner anytime soon!" And he is right....I won't.
When I met him I thought he was too good to be true. I was talking to one of my girlfriends about him and told them picking a husband was like a T-shirt. I was going to choose one that is a size bigger so that when the honeymoon phase is over and they will still fit! Mike was an XL at the time so I figured that if he stopped being as sweet and shrunk down to say a size L , he would still be pretty great. I could live with that! But mark my words, he hasn't shrunk...he has grown! Hopefully I have for him, too.
So this is the point....
-Life is hard.
-Marriage is a gift.
-Whoever you are with has been ordained or allowed by God. I know they are not perfect....neither are you! If you love and nurture your marriage when hard times and trials come you will make it. If you don't....then you turn on each other.
-If you aren't married yet, CHOOSE WISELY!!!!
-If you are married to the "wrong person", be sure the one who shrunk isn't you, then pray like mad!
-If you have never been called into a marriage, remember that you are the bride of Christ and YOU get the perfect husband for all eternity!
I have watched over the last 16 years our lives change. I look at photo albums and see how full it has been and remember with heavy heart the challenges we have faced. I also look at his t-shirts on the floor in a pile on his side of the bed and think.....Thank you Lord for giving me this man and please give us more time together.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
"So....How are you DOING and How are you doing IT?"
I have it already highlighted in my Bible....Psalm 30. I have read it and read it, but the amazing thing about Scripture is how it can speak anew to you. Before we get to the How am I doing IT....let me catch you up on the How am I DOING....It has been 2 weeks now since we lost our baby, Levi, in a miscarriage half way through the pregnancy. I have had ups and downs, probably more downs than ups if I am being honest. We have been blessed with meals, house cleaning, deck staining, flowers, cards, carpooling and prayers from family and friends, but the one thing no one can do for me is wade through the hormones! It can hit me at any given moment and sometimes with no warning. The kids have found me in the basement crying and sent Daddy down to get me. I was at the Doctor's office and saw a familiar nurse with tears in her eyes. She gave me a sweet hug and that was it.....crying the rest of the day! I have kept busy and tried to maintain a routine for stability for all of us. I am slowing recovering from the trauma of it all, day by day, but it still feels a bit like a dark cloud following me around, reminding me the baby is gone. I am thankful for the times when I can forget, if only for a moment, and feel "normal" for a change. Those breaks are my saving grace right now and I pray for more of them!
It isn't all sad though. We had a fun day yesterday at the corn maze. The kids had a ball. Literally, Briana and her friend Mackenzie climbed into a huge inflatable ball and rolled down a ramp like hamsters in a wheel! Then we had friends over for dinner with their 4 little ones. I LOVED cuddling with sweet baby Clementine! She is less wiggly than Shelby :) But there it was again, 3am couldn't sleep and the tears started flowing. Grieving is hard work. I finally climbed out of bed and checked my email this morning and Psalm 30 was waiting for me in my inbox. God's timing is impeccable. He knows just what I need....and when.
"....weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5b
So, what do I have to rejoice about anyway? Well, plenty. As I sat there staring at that passage I took a mental inventory of what I have to be joyous about. My darling husband, the kids, our home, our family and friends, the cow in my freezer, coffee, you get the picture! So then I opened my Bible and read (carefully and slowly) all of Psalm 30. I stopped at the end at verses 11 and 12:
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."
I love to write in my Bible and have my notes from past studies in the margins. This is one of the many places where I have a huge 'X'. I started marking this way whenever I find passages that describe when God does what I call a "flip flop". This 'X' is speaking of a reversal of wailing to dancing, mourning to joy, silence to praise, and weeping to rejoicing!
I know that my God is faithful. I can put my hope in Him to do this for me every time. I know that in time the dark cloud will lift and my heart will again dance. My trust and my hope is in Him, for He is trustworthy. I will continue to seek Him, grow deeper in His Word, and look for the glimpses of Him in my daily life. He will continue to show me reasons to be grateful and opportunities to share His love as He records each one of my tears (Psalm 56:8). He hears my cries and will answer with healing and the promise of a flip flop for my heart.
So, now we are off to a ballerina birthday party for Miabella. It will be Shelby's first big girl b-day party and I KNOW there will many reasons to smile and dance and enjoy.
That is how I am DOING and most certainly how I am doing IT.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
A Day We Will Never Forget.......
Tuesday, September 21st 6:00am.....
Well, I sit here in the hospital alone. The nurses are giving me quite time, my kids are sleeping over with grandparents, my husband is hopefully getting rest in a clean and silent house. I stare at the teddy bear and blanket representing the only possessions my baby boy will ever have. As I reflect over the weekend full of sadness and pain, the sun rises reminding me it is the dawn of a new day. I know many of our friends and family have so many questions as to what happened and why. I would like to share with you a few details and how we are processing it all.
Last Thursday I started to feel a bit 'off' and I felt a few cramps that I decided must be Braxton Hicks and brushed it off. Friday I felt a sharp pain in my heart, but thought maybe I was just needing to slow down. I woke up in the middle of the night with my pulse and heart racing. I was able to calm down quickly and went back to sleep. Saturday night I woke up with a jolt from a dead sleep, my heart was pounding, I started to feel dizzy and almost passed out. I scrambled over to Mike and woke him up. He quickly put me in the car and rushed me to the ER. I had a CAT scan and EKG which ruled out a blood clot. They couldn't find a heartbeat on the baby and then we knew and feared the worst. An ultrasound confirmed that the baby had passed away in between the 17-18th week. The doctor couldn't explain the pain in my chest or elevated pulse that had woken me up. He said it must have been a 'higher power' telling me something was wrong. I feel he was right, because I never had it happen again after that.
We spent all day Sunday grieving and wondering why this had happened. I began to mentally prepare for my worst nightmare....I had to go in the next morning and give birth to our stillborn son. My sweet and wonderful friend Kristin, an OB nurse, offered to come up and guide us through the difficult day. She was incredible and we were so blessed to have her there by our side. Mike's mom Jan also came to love and support us every step of the way. Every person we met, from techs, to docs, to food service staff were sensitive and attended to our every need. No one that came into our room left without a tear in their eye. They felt our pain and shared in our sorrow as if we were their own loved ones. We felt completely wrapped in love, something I know so many of you had prayed specifically for us. Thank you from the bottom of my aching heart....thank you!
I must admit it was an agonizing waiting game. It took 13 hours for my body to give up the pregnancy. I felt mentally prepared for when to moment arrived but was so frightened of how I would handle it when we first saw him. It wasn't scary, but sweet. He looked so fragile and peacefully still. After all was done and the staff gave us time alone with our precious baby I remembered the last ultrasound I saw just a couple of weeks ago. He was rolling and bouncing and looked so happy in my tummy. I turned to Mike with tear stained face and said, "Levi went from happy to happier." I realized that I had peace through turmoil....love through heartbreak....and experienced healing through my pain. Only the Great God of Heaven and Earth can accomplish a miracle like that. My Father in Heaven knew exactly what I needed. He knew I needed to see, hold and say goodbye to little Levi Benjamin. He knew it would take getting me past 17 weeks to be able to do that. My question of "Why God...I made it so far...why?" was answered in that moment.
I will continue to trust the Lord with all my heart. I understand fully that He has a perfect plan and purpose for us all. Everything we go through has meaning. I will see Levi again, just not this side of heaven. Yesterday will have to hold me until then. When we are united the next time there will be no more tears or sadness...only joy. I am so thankful for how tender and sweet God cared for and carried us yesterday. Thank you for walking this journey with us. We are truly blessed.
Well, I sit here in the hospital alone. The nurses are giving me quite time, my kids are sleeping over with grandparents, my husband is hopefully getting rest in a clean and silent house. I stare at the teddy bear and blanket representing the only possessions my baby boy will ever have. As I reflect over the weekend full of sadness and pain, the sun rises reminding me it is the dawn of a new day. I know many of our friends and family have so many questions as to what happened and why. I would like to share with you a few details and how we are processing it all.
Last Thursday I started to feel a bit 'off' and I felt a few cramps that I decided must be Braxton Hicks and brushed it off. Friday I felt a sharp pain in my heart, but thought maybe I was just needing to slow down. I woke up in the middle of the night with my pulse and heart racing. I was able to calm down quickly and went back to sleep. Saturday night I woke up with a jolt from a dead sleep, my heart was pounding, I started to feel dizzy and almost passed out. I scrambled over to Mike and woke him up. He quickly put me in the car and rushed me to the ER. I had a CAT scan and EKG which ruled out a blood clot. They couldn't find a heartbeat on the baby and then we knew and feared the worst. An ultrasound confirmed that the baby had passed away in between the 17-18th week. The doctor couldn't explain the pain in my chest or elevated pulse that had woken me up. He said it must have been a 'higher power' telling me something was wrong. I feel he was right, because I never had it happen again after that.
We spent all day Sunday grieving and wondering why this had happened. I began to mentally prepare for my worst nightmare....I had to go in the next morning and give birth to our stillborn son. My sweet and wonderful friend Kristin, an OB nurse, offered to come up and guide us through the difficult day. She was incredible and we were so blessed to have her there by our side. Mike's mom Jan also came to love and support us every step of the way. Every person we met, from techs, to docs, to food service staff were sensitive and attended to our every need. No one that came into our room left without a tear in their eye. They felt our pain and shared in our sorrow as if we were their own loved ones. We felt completely wrapped in love, something I know so many of you had prayed specifically for us. Thank you from the bottom of my aching heart....thank you!
I must admit it was an agonizing waiting game. It took 13 hours for my body to give up the pregnancy. I felt mentally prepared for when to moment arrived but was so frightened of how I would handle it when we first saw him. It wasn't scary, but sweet. He looked so fragile and peacefully still. After all was done and the staff gave us time alone with our precious baby I remembered the last ultrasound I saw just a couple of weeks ago. He was rolling and bouncing and looked so happy in my tummy. I turned to Mike with tear stained face and said, "Levi went from happy to happier." I realized that I had peace through turmoil....love through heartbreak....and experienced healing through my pain. Only the Great God of Heaven and Earth can accomplish a miracle like that. My Father in Heaven knew exactly what I needed. He knew I needed to see, hold and say goodbye to little Levi Benjamin. He knew it would take getting me past 17 weeks to be able to do that. My question of "Why God...I made it so far...why?" was answered in that moment.
I will continue to trust the Lord with all my heart. I understand fully that He has a perfect plan and purpose for us all. Everything we go through has meaning. I will see Levi again, just not this side of heaven. Yesterday will have to hold me until then. When we are united the next time there will be no more tears or sadness...only joy. I am so thankful for how tender and sweet God cared for and carried us yesterday. Thank you for walking this journey with us. We are truly blessed.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Truly Beautiful Tea Party
At the beginning of summer Lindsey asked me what God's idea of beauty was. She knew it wasn't what the world saw as beautiful and she felt like she wasn't measuring up to it anyway. I told her the first place to look is the Bible. 
I started writing Lindsey a daily Bible study that would help answer her questions and address a bunch more that would help her at this critical point in her development. Around the same time our church announced a father/son Bible study that would go on over the summer. The question immediately followed, "Well, what about the moms and daughters?"
I instantly saw an opportunity to minister to more families than our own. I finished the 4 week study, we self published it in workbook form and and promised a beautiful tea at the end of summer. (The boys got to go on a father/son camp out to finish theirs).So here are the pics from our event. We had a beautiful time, turnout, and I presented a short message on inner beauty. The girls were lovely, the food was nothing short of incredible and the fellowship was sweet. The teapot cake was a hit and a special touch to a special day. I can now breathe a sigh of relief that the summer went as planned and families are studying the Word of God together. All things that put a smile on my face as I walk forward, ready for the next project! To HIM be all the GLORY!!!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Happy 3rd Birthday Sweet Shelby Lyn
We are celebrating Shelby's third birthday today and it has sent me down memory lane! She has filled our life with smiles and joy, tears and tantrums, Princesses and ponies, and laughter from her winning personality. Shelby is quick to call you a "Mr. Potatohead" if you call her a ham, which she very much is! Never the less, her entrance into this world was as attention getting as her smile is today. I went back and found the letter I wrote to put in her birth announcement.....here it is."Shelby's story is especially remarkable and I wanted to share fully with our loved ones the journey our family has been on the past few months. Around Valentines Day we knew we were pregnant by the clammy complexion on my face and lack of appetite. Our first 12 weeks were pretty normal, and by now we just expect for me to be super sick! At 16 weeks we breathed a sigh of relief thinking we were past the worst of it...how wrong we were!
I got up one morning to make the kids breakfast and was stunned with blood that ran down my legs. I called immediately and the doctor sent me right up to the hospital. I called Mike at work and tried to prepare him and the girls for the worst. I remember thinking that there was NO WAY a baby could survive with the amount of blood I was losing. To my shock, (and everyone else's as well) all the tests and ultrasound showed a happy and thriving baby. My doctor said she could see the blood pouring from the placenta and she was sure it was an abruption. She prepared us that we would not know if the baby could survive or it the placenta would start unraveling for at least 2 weeks.
I was put on complete bed rest and stayed in bed until the bleeding slowed and finally stopped 6 weeks later. It would occasionally come back for a few days at a time, off and on the rest of the pregnancy. When I was doing well, I felt confident. When I had a bad bleeding day or week I worried that I would lose her. I had weekly appointments, stress tests, and ultrasounds to watch Shelby's progress. Every time to my amazement, she looked great and even seemed to be developing at a faster rate than normal! I spent most of my days in bed praying, for Shelby, everyone and everything I could think of. I had a lot of time to think, wonder, and wait. (It was a time of depending completely on God and looking back on it all now, it was a precious time.)
At 35 weeks and 5 days my doctors decided that she was ready and they didn't want to risk it anymore. They sent me up to the hospital around 2:30pm, broke my water and I was holding her at 8:50pm. My delivery was normal, calm, and a joyous end to a very long journey. All are things we prayed for faithfully and hoped on daily."
So here I am in 2010 and we know now that I have a blood clotting disorder. We think that Shelby's abruption was caused by a clot that burst a vein in the placenta, and because the placenta cannot heal it stayed an opening that bled off and on the entire pregnancy. God used that journey to draw us closer and closer to Him. She is here in all her glory and is a constant reminder to me and all who know her story that miracles really do happen.
Happy Birthday Shelby Lyn.....you are an AMAZING gift!!!!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
aLL AboArD ThE ROLLer CoaSTEr thAT is mY LiFe!
Okay, so I am not always so strong as I make it seem! This weekend panic hit me that I was 15 weeks and not feeling a baby move yet. I started to feel better and less nauseous, which most people would welcome, but not me. For me it was a sure sign that things were not going well. I spent most of the weekend in deep, deep prayer. I counted down the hours till my appointment on Monday at noon, 36 hours down to 1. I do not want to know how anxious I would have been had I not prayed all weekend, because by the time I walked into the office I was a nervous wreck. My friend Meg called me 10 minutes before my apt. and said, "You in the waiting room? Let's pray!" She prayed for God to let the doctors find the heartbeat quickly this time, to ease my mind, and bring me peace. I, of course agreed with that prayer.
They called my name and I walked back to find out where everything stood. My heart was pounding and my blood was racing. I told the doc that I was nervous and why and she said, "Let's not wait, but hear that heartbeat." She listened and listened. As each minute clicked by the tension grew. I was praying in my head, "Come on God...didn't You hear our prayer 10 minutes ago? Why can't this EVER be easy?" She finally gave up and said she was going to schedule me an ultrasound STAT. I stopped her and asked her if she could please just try listening on my side (remember my dream at 13 weeks?). She said, "Of course. I will do WHATEVER you want!" She put the Doppler on my side and guess what? We heard it....then it disappeared! I smiled and said, "Yep, that is exactly what happened to me last time!" She looked shocked and I explained how God told me in a dream to listen there and that at my last apt. when the doc left the room I picked up the Doppler and heard it for myself. Her jaw was still on the floor at this point and then she started pacing! She kept looking at me in disbelief and said, "We heard it right? I mean your pulse is 97 and this just registered at 135 and 140 on the Doppler. We heard the baby, right? Well Shelli, are you satisfied with that?" I smiled at her and said, " I know we heard the baby, Doctor, but the question is are YOU satisfied?" She said she was, but wanted me to go get the ultrasound anyway.
They called around and gave me a few times and places to choose from. I picked the radiology dept. in McHenry a bit of a drive away. I remembered there was a really sweet ultrasound tech there that I had the privilege to meet during one of our miscarriages. I remembered her to be very kind and compassionate with Mike and I, even crying with us and hugging me as I left. So off I drove hoping she would be there that day.....and she was!
I told Casey why I was there and why I chose to see her that day. She was touched and said, "Enough talk, let's find your baby's heartbeat!" She found it immediately and flipped on the sound so I could see and hear it. She went on to show me the spine, 4 chambers of the heart, bladder, kidneys, legs, arms, fingers and even toes! I asked her if she could see anything else while she was at it.....like what the gender was and to my surprise she saw that too! She smiled and said, "There it is, Shelli. You are now tied 3 & 3, it is a boy!" I instantly cried. How sweet...how special...what a privilege it was to know that we are having another son! I thanked her again and reminded her again that she ROCKS!!!! We said our goodbyes. I was on my way, cell phone in hand, ready to call and share the good news with all those waiting to hear with white knuckles sitting by the phone!
So here is the lesson, Loved Ones.....we pray....God answers. Okay, it is even a bit more than that. God answers His way! And I thank Him for that. If He had answered my way (quick and easy heartbeat) I would have missed the bigger blessing. I needed to see the details of our baby's growth. I needed to know that everything was developing perfectly to have true peace of mind these next few months. God knew that quick just wouldn't cut it for me in the long haul. He answered His way and I was blessed above and beyond.
I know it can sometimes feel like He isn't moving fast enough or hearing us at all....but I am here to tell you that He does hear you and His timing is perfect. Do not give up Dear Ones. Philippians 4:6 tells us to submit EVERYTHING in prayer, that means He can impact EVERYTHING. He hears you....He hears you....He hears you!!!
Psalm 5:3, "In the morning O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."
Friday, August 13, 2010
I am one bold chicken.....
Today was just one of those days when you know it is screaming..."Blog ME!" Alot has happened since my last entry. First of all I wrote and published a girls Bible study on Biblical Beauty, made 17 dresses for the girls' ice show, helped organize a ministry that blessed 1,021 people with the Free Garage Sale, and oh yeah, we became pregnant for the 10th time somewhere in all that too!So for those of you trying to name them all, let me help refresh your memories.
#1 Briana, almost 14
#2 Lindsey, almost 12
#3 David, 7 yesterday
#4 James, (died at 15 weeks)
#5 Gabriel, 5 this month
#6 Shelby, 3 next month
#7 Jonathon, (died at 13 weeks)
#8 Josiah, (died at 11 weeks)
#9 Madelyn, (died at 10 weeks)
#10 is now 13 weeks and still growing.....
After the second miscarriage my doctors started searching for a reason. They found I have a rare blood clotting disorder called Prothrombin Factor II. Basically, when the pregnancy hormones increase in my body so does the clotting factor in the blood stream causing the blood to become too thick for the baby to get what it needs to grow. In pregnancy #9 they put me on one shot per day of Lovenox (the minimum dose), but it wasn't enough. This time they are trying 2 shots per day (the maximum dose) and so far it is working.
So here we are at 13 weeks. It is a very important and difficult doctor appointment for me. I have been thinking and thinking about this day since the pregnancy test showed up positive. For the past 2 nights I have had the same dream: that they would not find the heartbeat. Jesus was there and He instructed me to a spot on my left side to hear it. Crazy right? This morning I woke up nervous. I knew that by the end of the day I would have heard the baby's heartbeat or not. I took a deep breath and stepped out of bed to see what this day holds.
I dropped the kids off at Grandma's and headed to the doctor's office. My doctors are all very patient and sweet. We have had a long history together and they know me well. She came in and said, "Okay, this is it....Let's see where we are today." She tried and tried, but couldn't find the heartbeat. She kept readjusting the Doppler. I kept praying, "Please God have mercy on me and let me hear the baby." I thought about my dream and wondered if I should tell this professional doctor whom I trusted how to do her job. What would I say? Jesus told me in a dream?? Would she think I was nuts???
In the end, I chickened out and didn't tell her. She gave up after almost 15 minutes of trying and said, "We need peace of mind, let me find you an ultrasound appointment."
So she left me in the room by myself....kind of. I was there praying when I saw out of the corner of my eye the Doppler machine. I wondered, just wondered if I could figure that thing out. I boldly walked over to it and thought, "Let's just see if it was a meaningless dream or was God instructing me?"
I lifted my shirt, turned it on, and placed it on the spot on my left side. Within 5 seconds I heard the baby's heartbeat! I couldn't believe it! Seriously? Now what? Do I tell them to come hear? Is that really it? I have learned the sound now after all these pregnancies and for 15 minutes I had just listened to my own pulse. But, this was a baby's heartbeat, twice as fast and lighter in tone than mine. I stood there in shock, listening. About 20 sec. went by and then it was gone. I tried to find it again, but no luck.
Was that a gift just for me? Do I call the doctor back in and tell her what I did and try to find it again? Do I go to the ultrasound anyway? Just as I was trying to decide on what to do, the nurse came in and announced that the hospital was waiting for me and to get over there right away. So I did.
I drove in silence....a smile on my face and joy in my heart. Week 13 is difficult for me, but not today. Today God surprised me in a beautiful way. He let me hear with my own ears the heartbeat of my baby. The ultrasound was not stressful at all, but sweet. The baby looked joyful as it bounced and rolled inside me like it was on a trampoline.
I do not know what the next few weeks hold for us, but I know God cares and will be there every step of the way. I will walk it with Him one day at a time.
"This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
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