I am asked all the time how in the world do I do it? Five kids and a darling husband with two full time jobs AND I HOMESCHOOL!!! That is enough to drive most people over the edge and to the other side of the room at a party! I, like every parent, struggle with balancing on the tightrope that is my life. I have had time of complete unbalance and complete failure in this. As we have been blessed with each child and each new challenge (like Mike going to law school or when he was flying out of St. Louis) I have been forced to become more organized. At first organization was my enemy. It fought against my strong willed nature, but as I have slowly let the schedules, planners, and calendars into my life I find that it is really my greatest tool. The strong willed part is calmed with the realization that I am the one filling them out and doing the deciding, so there no reason to get myself breathing into a paper bag.
But that being said, another issue has plagued my now organized life, MOTIVE. I am an acts of service kind of gal, so my motives are almost always others. I sacrifice myself on the alter of daily life in order to show love to the people around me. In March I joined the gym, and not just any gym, the gem of all gyms! I only joined because of the indoor pool and water slide for the kids. See what I did? I changed the reason for the gym from me to them.
I have forced myself to exercise in a different way. I am exercising my mind and trying to change my perspective. After several months of this I am now able to see that I am a better mother when I take care of myself, a better wife, and a happier person all around. I use my time on the elliptical machine to meditate and pray, God has blessed this time EVERYTIME! Now I crave to be there, it is my one hour escape from servant hood and recharge time. I have started getting hour massages every two weeks. Of course, I felt much guilt over this to the point that it was hard to enjoy them, well almost! One day a few weeks ago I was dropping the girls off at skating and then off to my massage when their coach stopped me. She told me how proud of me she was and how her mother never did things for herself. She explained that when she did do something for herself she made an excuse and never acknowledged her worth. (OUCH!!!) Then she told me something even more difficult to hear, she told me that it had a profound impact on the image she held for herself and that she struggles to show her worth in relationships today.
The way I act toward myself is an example to my girls on what kind of mother they will be???? Why hadn't I seen that before? What if their love language isn't acts of service? Will they feel like terrible mothers? What am I teaching my boys about the role of their wives someday? Am I setting an example that the women they choose will not feel comfortable in?
Just as I was beginning to go to the gym for me I had a set back! Everyone wanted to go to the gym but Briana. I wanted her to go for me, but I didn't ask her. Instead I told her that she could go to the pool by with Lindsey and hopefully no one would notice they weren't with a parent. Then they would be happy, I could work out, and I wasn't asking anyone to do it for me. Well I had no sooner sat down to the exercise bike when I heard it, "Shelli Chinlund, please come to the control desk!" My heart sank. I knew I was in trouble! I walked shamefully to the desk passing all my friends that work there. They were looking at me like what are they paging HER for? She is our favorite member, the perfect mother of the year! I apologized to the manager and quickly changed into my suit and took my kids swimming the right way.
I hate when they are right and I am wrong. But God really spoke to my heart on this. When I refuse to see my worth, the worth He sees in me, I am out of balance. I do things with the wrong motives and present myself the wrong way, especially to my children who watch my every move. I am getting better at this everyday. Balance....it all comes down to balance and sometimes I still feel very uncoordinated!
"Honest scales and balances are from the LORD; all the weights in the bag are of his making." Proverbs 16:11
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