Facebook: the honeymoon is over!

I used to love Facebook.  It was exciting to open up my page each day and check in on my little corner of the world.  I found friends I'd lost contact with over the years, get to see pictures of loved ones, and watch my long distance friends and family's children grow.  It's not so fun anymore.  Day after day my news feed fills up with pictures of runaways or abducted children, political rants filled with hate and shock tactics, news articles and images of evil from around the globe and oh so much more.  Facebook has shifted, in my opinion, from social networking to personal soapbox.  

I've had to distance myself from my Facebook.  I found the negativity that haunted me way after I turned it off was affecting me more than it should.  

Awareness is not the same as anxiety.  

Today as I was scrolling quickly through my newsfeed hoping to catch a few updates on my niece and nephews I scaned a news post on 'anal hazing in school'.....really?  Just as my heart started getting heavy and my mind racing I clearly heard Jesus say, "Take heart for I have overcome the world!"  

Joyce Meyer's status today said, "the world is full of bad news, but the Gospel is full of good news!"  Amen to that!  So if you're like me and find that your social media can leave you feeling fearful, anxious or depressed...take a break from Facebook and open up the Good Book!  Be encouraged, Jesus has overcome the world!!!!!!

Pure Sweetness

The other day my 2, almost three year old was fighting nap time.  She was crying and crying and after a while I went in thinking she wasn't taking a nap that day.  I entered a room and she pointed at the floor and said, "Bu-ble!"  I looked and saw a small New Testament Bible on the floor.  "You mean Bible?" I said.  I handed it to her, she tucked it under her arm and went to sleep!

She loves that little Bible.  She takes it every where and won't let it go.  I watch her sit and pretend to read it.  After 7 children I'm quite amazed at her obvious attachment to this little book with no pictures.  There are many verses in the Bible that talk about children and their unique relationship with God.  Here is my current favorite:

Psalm 8:2, "You have taught children and infants to tell of your strength, (Greek version reads to give you praise.) silencing your enemies and all who oppose you. " NLT

Silence your enemies....now that means power against evil....given to infants!  What I take from this verse is that teaching our children the Word is very important.  Teaching them to Praise is too!  

It blesses my heart to see her embracing a relationship with God and His Word at such a young age.  It makes me excited to be a part of her spiritual upbringing as she grows up in the Lord.  

There is a familiar spot in Scripture when Jesus blesses the children brought to him:

"People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Luke 18:15-18

This has always brought me joy to know the value God places on children.  He shows us through the littlest child that we are born to have a relationship with Him.  Jesus teaches us that heaven is full of these precious souls who haven't been deceived by the world and know exactly who He is.  Verses like this bring much peace to me and others who have lost a child.  That they are citizens in heaven and we will see our babies again someday.

Remember the verse above, Psalm 8:2, "Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have ordained strength, Because of Your enemies, That You may silence the enemy and the avenger." NKJ

This is also a Scripture of prophesy.  It was fulfilled during Jesus' Passion week.  He had triumphantly entered Jerusalem, cleared the temple on the Feast of Unleavened Bread and was healing the sick.  

"The blind and the lame came to him in the Temple, and he healed them.  The leading priests and the teachers of religious law saw these wonderful miracles and heard even the children in the Temple shouting, “Praise God for the Son of David.”

But the leaders were indignant. They asked Jesus, “Do you hear what these children are saying?”

“Yes,” Jesus replied. “Haven’t you ever read the Scriptures? For they say, ‘You have taught children and infants to give you praise.’ Then he returned to Bethany, where he stayed overnight."  matthew 21:14-17 

We need faith like a child, they don't fight the Truth.  They don't doubt who Jesus is, they receive it and proclaim it!  

Waiting on The Lord

I was almost packed up for the hospital yesterday.  The surgical nurse called and reviewed my case, history and prep instructions.  I hung up the phone and went back to planning my last day before phase 2 of spinal fusion surgery.  Less than an hour later the phone rings again, this time from my surgeon's assistant who said, "Shelli, I am so sorry, but we have to postpone your surgery.  Dr. Dewald has two patients in the hospital who need emergency surgery."  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  My mom flew in yesterday, I reminded her!  My husband has two jobs and has scheduled this time completely off, I complained.  My in laws are all gone to Europe next month, I need their help I gasped.  "We know and are very very sorry, but there is nothing we can do."  

I hung up the phone in disbelief.  It took me a few hours to absorb the change in plan.  I remembered Proverbs 3:5, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;". I asked God to help me live this verse.  I was reminded that He guides and directs our path.  This dramatic change in events didn't surprise or shock God.  He knew it was coming.  

Once I stopped trying to figure it out or make sense of it, I felt my heart soften and I started feeling thankful that I wasn't the one who needed emergency surgery.  I started thinking about the families that needed my surgeon's expertise and how blessed they are to have him in an emergency.  I realized how selfish my initial gut reaction was and began to feel embarrassed at my reasoning.  I'm not the center of the universe after all!  

I learned yesterday that if I'm left to my own thinking I will become selfish, confused, disappointed and easily shaken.  If I choose to submit to His authority I will have a heart of praise, gratitude, kindness and peace when my world is turned upside down.  

So now I will sit here and wait on The Lord to give me a new date.  I will lean on Him and trust His plan.  I will bless Him and remember "ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Update on Phase #2

I went to church a few weeks ago and in the middle if worship my Pastor came over and asked me if I would give a quick testimony and update to the church when the song ended.   I usually love it when I get the opportunity to speak, but I always have time to pray, sort out my feelings and God's words.  I take it very seriously and don't like it when I'm unprepared.  My biggest fear is always that what will come across is more Shelli than God.  So, I started praying and quick about what I would share in just a few minutes.  There were so many things I could share like surgery details, personal battles God helped me overcome, statistics, thankfulness for all the meals and prayer support, etc.  as I prayed I asked God to remove everything from my mind and just leave what He wanted me to say.  

A calendar with JULY 2012 was all that I had left in my mind as I took the microphone.  I still wasn't exactly sure what I was supposed to share, which is exactly what I said at first!  As I opened my mouth in obedience the rest came.  

I shared with my church family how exactly one year ago I was at my pre-op appointment with my surgeon at Loyola.  I was frustrated, scared, and moving forward with what I thought was my last ditch effort at relief from my deteriorating spine.  All the time we were praying for God to guide us and direct us to the right answer.  Even asking for a supernatural healing so I could avoid the surgery all together.  We asked Him to open and close doors, so it should makes sense that last July the top neurosurgeon from Loyola would come in and say, "I've taken you off our surgical calendar.  I've changed my mind and think your case is too risky, I will not touch your back."  

Slam went that door.

I cried the whole way home.  I was so confused and upset.  I remember being slightly hysterical on the phone with my husband and mom as I updated them and they tried to help me process the change in plan.  Not really a change in the plan, more like throwing our last plan out the window!

I explained to my church that when God opens and closes doors to guide us and direct us it can hurt.  It can confuse us.  It can flat out feel like a harsh NO!  I spent the next few months back at square one.  I prayed, researched my options and waited.  I had moments of flat out depression from the lack of movement and direction.  It's hard in any situation and sometimes even more when you're in chronic daily pain.  But, the shut door wasn't a NO, it was a not yet, not this way.  

5 months later after a lot of prayer and processing, God's next 'door' was revealed and I had the best back surgeon in the world to treat my condition!  It is easy to see now what God was doing.  Hindsight is 20/20, right?  I encouraged everyone listening to trust God as He guides them and don't lose hope when you get a shut door.

I share this again now, because my next door is being opened, and I still need to remind myself daily that God is in control.  I went to my surgeon's office yesterday to discuss the next step for me. I was hoping to hear that all is well and we we are done, but I didn't exactly hear that.  My surgeon still wants to do the second phase of the surgery and We are thinking it will happen next month.  Everything will be finalized this week, but when we gave them our calendar and they pulled out Dr. Dewald's schedule his assistant looked at it and said, "Well that's unusual, we just had a cancelled surgery for the week you requested and can put you right in there!"  

God opens and closes doors.  If you are waiting for your next step....praise Him in the hallway!  

Proverbs 16:9

NIV- In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

NASB-The mind of man plans his way,But the Lord directs his steps.

My before X-ray

My after X-ray 

Protecting My Progress

This week I had my 3 week post op appointment.  We had new X-rays taken and now I have a great before and after picture to share with you. Before is on the right and after on the left.

Dr. Dewald says he is ecstatic with my results.  He walked us through the surgery and all that they did in those 13 hours.  He was very pleased with my progress so far.  He initially said we could wait to discuss the second stage of the surgery and whether or not I would need it, but by the time my appointment was over he put his hand on my shoulder and said he was sorry.  He knows I do not want to do more surgery and that these decisions are not to be made lightly, but he feels to keep my correction long term I will need to have the second phase.

So just what is that?  They go in through the front of the abdomen and add support in the form of mesh and synthetic disks that plug the space between the disks from the front so you will not tip forward.  It is like putting in a door stop :). This surgery is less invasive, only 3-4 hours long and possibly less painful, but they aren't promising anything.

I was, of course disappointed, but I saw a very beautiful woman about my age hunched over and barely able to walk in the waiting room.  It reminded me of why we have done this and why we need to protect my progress.  I never want to go back, so I guess that means we have to keep pressing onward.

This was the day before surgery, I was struggling to stand and walk straight.  Notice my shoulders and arms rolled in and forced out to stand upright.

My church family praying for God's hand to guide the surgeons.

Two days after surgery.....I was miserable!  I had an allergic reaction to the medical tape on my face and had several cuts from where they pulled it off!

5 days later I can finally eat solid food!

6 days later I saw some of the kids and got a wonderful moral boost!

After the kids left I was motivated to get home and started walking the halls :)

The next day I was discharged from the hospital and was on my way home!!!!

Recovering at home with seven kids is a challenge, but I'm so much happier with them!  Not to mention all the love and support of my family, church family and friends has made all the difference in the world.  I couldn't do it without you.  Thank you!!!!!

 

Me standing straight and tall!!!!

Going home...the end of a very long journey.

After days of pain, confusion, loss of sense of control and of fear I finally had peace back.  I knew God had my fate, as always, in His wonderful hands.  I knew that even as I sit and wait to find out what the next step was I could rest knowing my Father in heaven wasn't going to let anything unnecessary happen.  Not even an X-ray.  

Saturday I enjoyed a visit from my brother in law, sister in law, niece and nephews.  A few hours later I was blessed to hug and kiss on my 3 middle children and their grandparents.  That night mom and I watched game 4 of the Stanley Cup playoffs and I taught her the basics of the game.  Life was beginning to feel slightly normal.

Sunday morning I met my new nurse.  She entered the room announcing, "Alright Mrs. Chinlund, I'm sure you have a better life waiting for you outside of this room.  So, let's see what I can do to help you get to it!"  She was unaware of how seeing the kids the day before had stirred up so many emotions and feelings of missing my babies.  I answered her, "I have seven amazing blessings waiting for me at home!"  She spun around and asked in disbelief, "Children?"  I answered her with all the sass those who know me have come to expect, "Well, we're not talking about cats, Margaret!"  Her eyes welled up with tears and she went quickly to work on me.  

The doctors came in for morning rounds.  They hadn't seen me feisty.  The pitiful pain wrecked mama who was afraid to face her challenging home life had disappeared after the kids visit and they met the real me at the door.

"I want to go home today!"  They took a step back.  "You do?"  Yes, I was ready and I went on to tell them my list of reasons why.  I pled my case, stated my requests and let them examine me.  They  removed the drain from my incision, rebandaged me and agreed it was discharge day!  They said future surgery was on hold for now.  They agreed to see how I do, but they still needed to get the X-ray as a baseline to compare future progress.  Once my picture was taken I was free to go home!  Margaret returned quickly and started removing IVs and explaining my at home instructions.

After a few hours, an orderly from X-ray came back to take me down for my final requirement before I could leave.  The cspine machine was still broken, but the doctors were now satisfied with taking 3 views and having them pieced together later.  

I waited in the hallway again, this time I was excited because it meant I was going home, not that we were deciding on more surgery or not.  The X-ray tech pushed my bed into the room.  She introduced herself to me and explained what pictures needed to be taken.  She had the most amazing sweetness in her personality.  I felt like I had just met up with a sister I hadn't seen in a long time.  

The next hour we shared was amazing.  She stood me in position and squeezed past me and the machine, it snapped a picture!  She yelled, "Oh Lord, my booty just took a picture!  Let's see what I did!"  I knew I was in for a fun day with her.  She came back and repositioned me in front of the X-ray board again. Every time she touched me she winced and made a groaning sound.  After a few times of this, she saw that I noticed and apologized.  "Oh Shelli, it just hurts to look at you!  You've been through so much.  I'm sorry, but Lordy, I can't take it!"  I looked into her compassionate eyes and asked her if she feels other's pain?  She looked surprised and said, "We'll, yes!  Everyone always makes fun of me, even my kids.  They say I'm in the wrong business.  I'm 59 years old and have been doing this a long time.  When a patient comes in and I see them hurting I feel it in my body too.  From the pit of my stomach I ache like them.  One time I was working the ER and a little boy was brought in from a hit and run.  His ankle was smashed, no mama there for him.  I became his mama while he was in X-ray.  It's what I do."  

I smiled, "You have a mercy gift, Debbie.  God designed you to feel compassion and mercy for others.  It's a spiritual gift and it makes you-you."  She smiled big, "is that what that is?  I love it.  I love me being that way.  I love God!  Thank you Jesus!" She took the next picture and covered my lower half with a shield.   

"Any chance you could be pregnant?"  I laughed, "No we're all done With that!  Seven is good for us!"  After we discussed my amazing family she got real serious and told me, "Baby, I don't care if you're done or not.  You protect your body from unnecessary exposure."  She went on to share with me how God had cured her of cancer.  She showed me her scars and explained all she had been through.  She walked back to push the next button and exclaimed, "Thank you Jesus for healing me!  Thank you Jesus for healing Shelli!  Oh God you are so Good!  I just can't take it!"  

Tears streamed down my face, "We are having church in the X-ray room this morning aren't we, now?" I asked.  "Yes, yes we are." She answered.

Debbie came back over to set me for my final films. She didn't like my hair being in the way.  "Here baby, take my Barrett and pin your braid up on top of your head so it's out of the way."  She removed it from the top of her head and onto mine.  I had a moment where I paused and made a mental note of how unusual this was for a patient and X-ray tech to do, and then proudly put my new friend's Barrett into my hair. 

 "Like this"  I asked?  She smiled, "Yes baby.  That's perfect.  All my friends make fun of me for my Barrettes.  They say I'm trying to look like a princess or something.  But, I'm not.  My daughters are the princesses and I'm the queen of my house!"  

I couldn't resist, "Oh you are a Princess Mama!   Yes, you are the queen of your home and to your husband.  But you are also a princess, because you are a daughter of the King!"  

She stopped and her eyes filled with tears, "Oh, I like that. You're right. I am the daughter of the King. I am a princess. Thank you so much for that!  Thank you!"  

We finished up with the images, chatted like we had known each other for years, and sadly our time was over.  She pushed me back into the hallway and said goodby.  I couldn't believe how quickly I could had grown attached to her.  My heart ached at the fact that I would probably never see her again.  I wondered how our moment was going to end.  She leaned down, grabbed my face and kissed me six times on my cheek with tears streaming down both our faces.  "Bonk the big kids on the head and kiss the little ones for me," she said.  "I will, I love you!" I answered.  "Love you too baby!" And upstairs I went.

I was pushed back to my room where my mom was waiting with my suitcase.  I shared with her all about Debbie and how we had church in the X-ray room.  I kept crying as I told her our conversation.  The journey, this very long journey was finally done. I was overjoyed and ready to close the door on this chapter of my life.

I couldn't wait to share this side of it with all of you who have been following my journey.  If there is anything I hope you can see from my testimony it is this:

There is always purpose in our pain, God will never leave you or forsake you and it is an incredible feeling to be part of God's family!

God is REAL!!!!!

Day 3-5......obsessed with farting!

Well I know the title isn't very lady like, but it is the truth.  You have no idea unless you've experienced 'asleep' bowels how important it is for them to be awake!  Much time was spent listening for gurgles, spits and groans in my belly and I prayed a lot for things to just get moving!

 I had spent the first few days with oxygen on my nose and my throat was getting raw.  My loved ones had been swabbing my mouth with water filled cubes long enough and now I was obsessed with getting off my ice chip diet. 

Mike would try and get my mind off all the grisly details going on in my body and would encourage me to read my Facebook page and see all the people praying for my healing.  It helped!

I skyped the kids for the first time and my heart soared.  Now I was beginning to remember why we were doing this.

On my doctor's morning rounds he informed me that he felt my surgery was not completed.  He stopped short of what he thought he needed to do because of the 13 hour max and suggested we consider going back in next Wed.  I started to freak out..... Please no, not more!  He asked me to keep an open mind for a few days.  We would do an X-ray on Friday and decide then.

 I was still in excruciating pain, but starting to see small signs of progress.  

 My morphine pump was replaced by oral meds, wheelchair to a walker, ice chips to water to a clear liquid diet.  I started to get queasier and queasier as the gurgles built up.  Finally I had a 'break through' on day 4.  It was a noise so loud coming from the bathroom that I let out a Praise God and Mike nervously asked me if I was okay?  My son David likes to download farting apps on our phones, I couldn't wait to tell him about my bathroom explosion :)

Despite the baby steps of progress, in the back of my mind I was still wrecked with fear of more surgery so soon.  My face has 3 large wounds from where I had an allergic reaction to the medical tape from the first surgery, I still hurt to turn my body, couldn't sleep more than 40 minutes at a time, couldn't eat and couldn't regulate my body temperature.  My pain receptors were on overdrive receiving all stimuli as pain.  One morning mom came into to the room and I was sitting in a chair, practically naked because the clothes hurt to be on my body.  I was so nervous about the X-rays and future that I felt like I was going to throw up most of the day.  

One of my new favorite nurses came into the room Friday morning and announced she wanted to wash my hair for me.  It was a nice distraction from the looming X-rays, so I pretended I was at the hair salon.  Mike kept watching us chatting like we were anywhere but a hospital.  Finally he burst out laughing that my hair was so matted I looked like our sheltie, Nicky.  He teased me that Emily was going to have to shave my head, too!  She kept at it until I looked like a person not a poodle and then left us alone.

  I confided in my husband how afraid I was and asked him to pray for me.  He did, then X-ray came to take me downstairs.  I laid on my hospital bed in the hallway while the room was prepared.  The X-ray tech brought me in, lined up the cspine film, powered up the system, pressed the button and then the powered surged shutting off the computers.  She turned everything off, reboot, pushed the button....power surged and shut off again.  After several tries, several techs and the same result they apologized and had me lay back down.  They called my doctors to see if another view would be acceptable and were told no, we will wait.  

As I laid on the hospital bed listening to the chaos and confusion I had peace that God had stopped that picture and decision from being made that night.  They rolled me back in my room and I told Mike all that had just happened.  Nurses kept complaining that a state of the art hospital like Rush couldn't get a cspine film!  We both just smiled.

Around the clock vigil....day 2.

I was in and out of consciousness.  I remember flashes of my husbands face and nurses who quietly came in and out on a mission.  I would open my eyes and see my mother in law biting her nails one moment and checking my vitals the next.  I felt relieved knowing that someone who spent 30 years on the ICU as head nurse was watching me that night.  I was in excruciating pain.  It felt like someone had a serrated knife digging into my shoulders, neck and back.  I couldn't move.  I was hooked up to a morphine pump.  I could only push it every six minutes.  I would push it a few times and finally fall asleep only to miss a dose and wake up in full back spasms.  My husband set up a timer on his phone, every six minutes he would lean down to wake me up and say, Shelli you can push the button now.  That is how the first day in ICU went, six grueling minutes at a time, for all of us.  

By evening I was shaking and shivering all over.  My breaths were shallow and each one brought a sting of pain to my nose, throat, chest and ribs.  I was about as miserable as you could get when they came to change my gown and bedding.  I didn't want to move.  My eyes bugged out at the nurse who announced she was going to change my bedding.   How in the world are you going to do that, I quizzed her?  I still am not really sure how she did do that!  All I know is she should be in Vegas pulling sheets off tables and being paid big bucks!  

The next moment was very humbling to me.  The nurses slowly and methodically washed every inch of my body.  At first I was uncomfortable on a personal level, but as they wiped away dirt, adhesive, oils, sweat and toxins from my body I felt like a human again.  I kept seeing the hands of Jesus washing the disciples feet in my mind. The sound of the water in the tub in front of me transported me to a night back in time when our Savior gave us the example to serve one another this way.  I absolutely felt swaddled in Jesus' hands as these women did their 'job'.  I will never look at a nurse, aid or tech the same way again.  They are on the front lines everyday with the sick and hurting.  They are Jesus' hands.

^{John 13:12} After washing their feet, he put on his robe again and sat down and asked, “Do you understand what I was doing? ¹³ You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am. ¹⁴ And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. ¹⁵ I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. ¹⁶ I tell you the truth, slaves are not greater than their master. Nor is the messenger more important than the one who sends the message. ¹⁷ Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them.

Unpacking-day 1

Packing is usually the fun part.  It means you are getting ready for a new journey.  When I get back home, it is difficult for me to want to unpack my bag and sometimes I leave it sitting there for over two weeks.  Okay, sometimes even longer!  But as I sit here looking at my hospital bag, I find myself already wanting to unpack some things I have learned on this surgical journey.  

I spent months preparing for my upcoming spine reconstruction surgery.  We prepared family, friends, kids, the house, cars, meals, clothes, rooms and so much more to be physically ready.  Was I?  No!  As I stood at the check-in desk at 5am last Monday morning my heart raced as my last 2 hours of life as I'd always known it clicked away.  I checked in and sat with my mom as Mike parked the car.  They banded my arm, the beginning of the end, it felt.  As walked to the elevators to go to the 7th floor a child written letter fell out of my purse. Through my quickly found tears, I read very sweet mature words from a child who feared they would never see their mother again. I quickly typed back a text: got your letter, loved it, love you, see you soon <3 Mom.

The elevators opened, we all three walked up to the next desk and signed in.  I was standing in between mom and Mike, looking like a scared white rabbit about to scurry away at the first startle when the receptionist asked, "Good morning Shelli, are these your parents?"  Hehe, mom and I both felt complimented.  We sat and waited for our names to be called.  I paced, went to the bathroom, checked my phone....  

Finally, they brought us back and ran lines into my veins, introducing me to teams of anesthesiologists, nurses, surgeons.  Their initials were written on my back with black sharpie, papers to sign and belongings to check.  Then it was time, I had to say goodby to the last two most important people in my life.  I started crying, begged them to let me go home, asked where I could run, why did I have to do this again?  A simple kiss on the cheek and I love you and away I was pushed to the Operating Room.  I closed my eyes tight so as not to know what was my reality.  The last words I heard were breath in nice and slow.  

The next words I heard were "Shelli, this is your wake up test!"  The wake up test is when half way through the surgery they wake you up and have you move your extremities.  It helps the surgeons gauge paralysis risks and how well you were tolerating this major operation.  I heard it again in a different voice, then another saying move your hands, Shelli, another move your feet Shelli.  Shelli can you move?  After at least 6 commands that seemed upset with me I was back out.

My eyes opened after the max of 13 hours of reconstruction surgery had been performed on my body.  That was the most they would allow.  I remember very little, my moms exhausted face, husbands smile, father in law and step mother in law saying we love you....and my feet and hands paddling like a duck.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming running on repeat in my head. That was day one!

Less than 2 weeks away.....surgery update.

Every day that goes by gets me one step closer to my spine reconstruction surgery.  This time last year I was a basket case!  I was preparing for a similar surgery, but at a different hospital and different surgical team.  It felt so much scarier.  I didn't have peace, but felt like I was out of options.  

We prayed for God to open and close doors.  I went in for my pre-op consult and the surgeon said 'No!'  He thought I was too high risk and took me off the surgical calendar.  I drove home in rush hour traffic in tears. 

Back at square one and in terrible pain we started the process all over again in January, this time it all felt right.  From the moment I met the new surgeon and team, I had complete peace.  Today as I walked and toured the facility where my surgery is scheduled in less than 2 weeks, I had at least 3 different moments of serious déjà vu!  Each time I stopped and thanked God quietly.  He was telling me I'm on the right path.  

Dr. Dewald's assistant stopped halfway through my appointment, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Wow, you're ready aren't you?"  

This is my front view X-ray.  They plan on going in from the bottom up to vertebrae 4.  That is most of my spinal cord.  They are going to remove the bottom hooks from the current rod, add 2 more rods, put in support mesh, pins, and screws.  There are several other steps involved with cutting away bone, splitting previous fusion and inserting wedges.  In my last appointment they were considering a 2 stage, posterior and anterior, (front-back surgeries) but they have decided to go in from the back only this time because there is so much to do as it is and we are already looking at a 8-12 hour surgery.

If you look at this side view, the yellow vertical line should be through the center of my body.  (Your head should be square between your feet when you stand). As you can easily see, I'm not!  

I'm ready for the healing to begin, I'm ready to be straighter, stronger and able to run, play, and enjoy my kids more.  I'm ready to reverse the clock a little.  I have peace.  I'm ready.  

So here we go....it's time!

'In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.'  Proverbs 3:6

Some thoughts on respect for the human body....

I took the kids on a field trip to the Museum of Science and Industry this week. We had so much fun. I had never been before, but it was always on my wish list. It was like Chuckie Cheese for the brain! The kids bounced from exhibit to exhibit and after 4 hours we were all beat! No one even seemed to mind the beginning rush hour traffic as we trekked home, because at least we were sitting down!

One of the museum current exhibits is 'Inside Out Animals'. It is a spin off of the Human Body exhibit that was wrapped in controversy a few years ago. I guess dead plasticized animals are less concerning with their origins and dare I day, tamer? I was discussing all this with a friend this week and shared with her the controversy over the source for the corpses in the Body exhibit. She never heard about it, so I dug up the articles for her this morning. I also read an article of late term abortions outside the womb and came to one conclusion after looking at the two topics.....we've lost respect for the human person.

We live in a society so wrapped with fear of infringing on a persons right to choose that we remain silent or keep our head in the sand while murders occur all around us.

Where is the outcry for truth on the sources for the corpses turned into a modern day science freak show? We stand in line, belly up to the ticket booth and stop and stare at the beauty and complex design of someone's dead mother, father, child, uncle or baby.

My dad died 14 years ago right across the border of Mexico in California. The thought of him dying in Mexico at the cancer clinic he was at was unacceptable to my mother and I. We were afraid we would never get his remains out of the country and rushed him across the border a few hours before he passed. It was stressful and traumatic in Memorial Day traffic, but gave us peace in the end that we could honor and bury him properly.

This week I studied Joseph in Genesis chapters 37-50. It is the account of the boy sold by his brothers to Egypt as a slave. He ends up in prison after false accusations by his master's wife and ends up saving thousands of lives from starvation and famine by divine revelation. After his brothers come to buy food it is revealed that the very person that saves them is the one they carelessly threw away. Every life matters, every life has meaning and purpose.

After begging Joseph for forgiveness of their crime all is reconciled. The family is moved to Egypt and Joseph cares and provides for all of them. When his father Jacob (a.k.a. Israel) passes away Joseph takes his body and begins an intense process of preserving, embalming and transporting him to his burial place. To do this properly it takes over 2 months and Scripture tells us it was to honor his father's final wishes. Joseph knew a thing or two about respecting the human person.

The Bible teaches that man was made in God's image.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27

The decline in acceptance and support of that truth results in babies spinal cords being snipped in live birth abortions in America. We've contributed tens of millions of dollars into the pockets of private exhibit owners without considering their methods.

Don't stick your head in the sand...open your eyes and seek the truth!

Articles I read:

http://m.usatoday.com/article/news/2072577

http://abcnews.go.com/m/story?id=12348566&ref=http%3A%2F%2Fabcnews.go.com%2Fm%2Fstory%3Fid%3D4296982

Selfishness stinks!

We love homeschooling the kids. It never ceases to amaze me to find teachable moments within moments of teaching. It truly does work best for our family.

Today we were working on our latest unit study on honeybees and my 7 year old decided he wanted to color the same picture my 5 year old was coloring. Unfortunately I couldn't run him a copy because she had already colored it and our book of original posters was at another family's house. I asked him if he could please just wait until we got the workbook back. He said, "No!" With crossed arms and gritted teeth.

This particular child is one of my gentlest and easiest so I didn't pay to much attention to his outburst and went on with the lesson. He continued to gripe and grunt so I stopped and repeated my explanation and request to just wait for the workbook for a copy. I could tell he wasn't going to cooperate so I offered a different picture as a trade off....still no! He did compromise by asking me to draw the picture for him by hand. I covered her picture with a blank sheet, placed it on a window and could see that I could trace it exactly and quickly. I did. When I finished and turned around he had taken an original poster of a different picture and had started coloring on it. I grabbed it away from him and sent him to his room.

I was so angry! Why did he do that? I stopped the lesson and left the room to pray. I asked God what about that made me so angry? He softly whispered into my spirit, 'It was selfish'. I knew that today's lesson on honeybees would have to wait. Today we learned about selfishness instead.

I brought the dear child out of his room and explained to him that selfishness is putting our SELF in front of everything else and it is a sin. It is like saying no to love and yes to envy, self interest and greed.

We took turns picking different family members names and thinking about how they would feel on different situations. We also talked about how to put others first. A big example the 5 year old came up with was letting someone else pick the TV show we are going to watch :)

We also talked about these two verses:

'An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels.' Proverbs 18:1

'Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.' Psalms 119:36

We ended by discussing Jesus and how he came to give us a perfect example of selflessness. I reminded them that we all need God's help to fight selfishness.

Without the awareness of our selfish hearts we sound a lot like the seagulls in Finding Nemo saying, "Mine....mine....mine!"

Help us Lord to put others first and not selfish gain.

What Are The Chances?

 

Today is Good Friday.  The day that Christians all around the world stop and contemplate the sacrifice by Jesus on the cross to bridge the gap between God and humankind.  I have been asked by a close friend in the past "You aren't one of those Christians are you?  One that takes the Bible literally, are you?"  I've been scolded by a Christian friend not to take the Bible as literal because it isn't trustworthy like a history book.  I've been made fun of by atheists who say I'm unintelligent because I take my faith blindly, without logic or reason.  I respectfully disagree with them all. 

In an exercise of building my own faith,  I have asked myself, "What are the chances?"  Well, come to find out, I'm not the only one that has wondered about that very question. Mathematicians and statistical scholars have asked too, and they have even calculated the odds.  So, here they are:

There are over 700 prophecies written to help us identify the Messiah throughout the Bible.  Prophecies foretelling how, when, where of his birth, death and resurrection.  And don't forget, also his return.

Dr Peter Stoner (Science Speaks, 1958)  calculated the probability  that the chance of one man accidentally fulfilling just 8 of these prophecies is one in 10 ¹⁷ It is a number that is hard to wrap the mind around.  Here is an illustration by Dr. Stoner to help us visualize it:

If you mark one of ten tickets, and place all the tickets in a hat, and thoroughly stir them, and then ask a blindfolded man to draw one, his chance of getting the right ticket is one in ten. Suppose that we take 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 silver dollars and lay them on the face of Texas. They'll cover all of the state two feet deep. Now mark one of these silver dollars and stir the whole mass thoroughly, all over the state. Blindfold a man and tell him that he can travel as far as he wishes, but he must pick up one silver dollar and say that this is the right one. What chance would he have of getting the right one? Just the same chance that the prophets would've had of writing these eight prophecies and having them all come true in any one man, from their day to the present time, providing they wrote them in their own wisdom.

Now, what are the odds that only 48 of the more than 700  prophecies of Jesus were fulfilled?  Dr. Stoner estimated the odds against that to be 1 in 10 to the power 157. [1]  A number that would fill a  blank page with zeros.  Here is an illustration to help us visualize this number:

How large is the number one in 10¹⁵⁷? Well, it contains 157 zeros! Stoner gives an illustration of this number using electrons.

Electrons are very small objects. They're smaller than atoms. It would take 2.5 TIMES 10¹⁵ of them, laid side by side, to make one inch. Even if we counted 250 of these electrons each minute, and counted day and night, it would still take 19 million years just to count a line of electrons one-inch long.

Statistically, any odds beyond 1 in 10⁵⁰ have a zero probability of ever happening by random chance. This is Borel's law in action which was derived by mathematician Emil Borel.

Dr. Stoner concludes,''Any man who rejects Christ as the Son of God is rejecting a fact, proved perhaps more absolutely than any other fact in the world."

Those are the odds.  If you take blind faith out of the equation and insert mathematical probability and logic, you get a zero probability that Jesus was accidentally or mistakenly the prophesied Messiah. 

That means Jesus came just as God promised. He lived among us just as God promised, He died for you just as God promised.  He rose from the dead just as God promised.  And He will come again in glory just as God promised.  It is a Good Friday, indeed!

Revelation 19:10,

“The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.”

*If you are interested in studying some of the prophecies Jesus fulfilled check out the Bible Study link on the top right of the blog.  I will add it as soon as Resurrection Sunday is over, but for now I am going to go celebrate with my family!

Where is my baby?

Eight years ago  I experienced the loss of my first child, James. He was my 4th pregnancy and I had no idea anything was wrong. I went to my 17 week check up and the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. She looked concerned and left the room for a portable ultrasound. I sat there staring at the wall and all I could think of is maybe I'd get to find out the sex of the baby that day.

I was so clueless.

 She came back in and started looking at the monitor, I was calm and excited. After a few minutes she turned off the ultrasound, tears streamed down her cheeks as she said, "I'm sorry, Shelli, I am so sorry."

 I still wasn't processing this. I sat there in shock for a while, unable to cry. I just kept asking over and over, "Can't you be wrong? Are you sure?"

She wasn't wrong.

In the days that followed, I remember cying so much I had no more tears to cry,  I thought, "That's it I will never be happy again."  It felt like an impossibility to smile, no chance I physically could ever smile again.

We took the kids to an indoor water park for the weekend.  I watched one of the kids do something silly and I cracked a smile! Then the guilt hit me like a wave.  I thought, Oh NO! Am I moving on? I can't do that, not without my baby.

I became angry, questioning God. If He is a good God how could this happen? Why didn't He warn me? I stopped going to church on Sundays. Mike would take the kids, I would put on Christian music, lay flat on the floor and sob.

Once I heard an audible voice. It scared me at first, I even jumped up. I laid back down on the floor and listened again and heard "my sheep know my voice and they follow me." I got a picture in my head of James hearing Jesus, he let go of my hand and he walked to Him. It was a sweet image, I liked it and it brought me my first glimpse of comfort. But I needed so much more.

I would ask God all throughout the day, "What did that mean, is my baby with you, why couldn't he stay here with me, did I do something wrong, am I really saved, will I ever see James again?"  I started saying the 'Sinners prayer, over and over, obsessively. At one point I was praying for my own Salvation dozens of times a day. I was afraid if I didn't do it right I may never see my baby again.

I needed so desperately to hear from God. A close friend of mine invited me to a women's retreat. I went because no one there knew me and I knew if I broke down in to a mess of tears at least it wouldn't be as embarrassing.  The only person who knew I had just lost a baby was my friend and I purposely avoided her the entire time. I was there to hear from God and God alone.

In the evening there was a prayer and prophetic time. I joined the group of strangers. I listened as they prayed and spoke over each woman in the circle. I was last. As they worked their way over to me my heart raced faster and faster and at one point I thought it just may burst!  Two women laid hands on my shoulders and became silent.

Nothing.....nothing.....nothing.  Then, one of them spoke, and to the best of my memory this is what she said:

"I see a sheep. He is on one side of the fence and you are on the other. You are crying for him. Jesus is walking and the sheep is following him. It's okay, your sheep is safe."

I couldn't believe it!  She described my vision from weeks earlier.   I was as you can imagine,
I was a bawling crying mess at this point. I squeaked out a thank you and started to head for the door. The other woman grabbed my hand to stop me and said, "One more thing, who ever you keep praying for to be saved, God says, "Stop.  It is done. They are saved."

I couldn't process that at that moment. I was so amazed at the confirmation I had just received that James was OK I jumped in my car and drove home even though it was only the first night of the retreat.

As I was driving I kept going over and over the words spoken to me through God's vessels.

I remembered the 'stop praying for salvation' comment.  I racked my brain for who I was currently praying for to be saved.  I couldn't think of anyone specifically off the top of my head.  Then, it hit me....that was me!  I had been praying over and over for me to be secure in the Kingdom.  I needed to know that my name was written in the Book of Life.  I was spending my prayer time stuck in that place of needing reassurance and had no peace.

Not only did God tell me my baby James was safe in His arms, but he also told me I was secure in the Kingdom and someday we would all be reunited again.  What a loving and comforting Father!

My trials and losses didn't end that day, but as I walked through 2 more difficult pregnancies and 4 more losses to miscarriage I walked with a peace that defied human understanding.  Sure it was difficult, but I knew where my babies were and that I would be united with them someday.

Until we meet again James, Jonathon, Madelyn, Josiah and Levi ...mommy loves you!

John 10:27-28, "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand."

Update: If you have suffered a child loss, I pray this blogpost brings you peace.  Ask God the hard questions and let him help you process.  A wonderful book I read that helped me see with Scripture what Jesus says about heaven and what the Bible says about child loss was "Safe in the Arms of God" by John MacArthur. 

The next season....

Here we are in the dead of winter and just around the corner is SPRING!!!  Please hurry, I cannot wait!  I am also on the verge of a new season of health as well. 

It all started a few years ago.  I visited my best friend in FL and she mentioned I was leaning forward when I stood or walked.  I went home and started looking a pictures and I saw it too.  Now that I was paying attention, I noticed that I couldn't do what I used to be able to do anymore.  My stamina was declining and I ended up having to sit on the couch by the end of the night with an ice pack or heating pad on my back and neck. 

I started researching for reasons, tried physical therapy (3 months each time with 2 different clinics), used all sorts of prescription pain relievers, exercised, wore braces, chiro care, hot tubbing it (my personal favorite :) and just about anything else we could think of to help bring relief, turn back the clock or gain strength. 

After a set of xrays last February, it was recommended I see a surgeon to repair my Harrington Rod placement that had failed from my original surgery in 1985.  I was sent to a reputable spine/neurosurgeon.  He gave me a grime prognosis without surgery and a risky surgical plan to correct it.  It was so risky in fact, that after gathering more information and while developing my surgical plan the surgeon changed his mind and cancelled the August surgery in July. 

I was back at square one.  I was very depressed and confused.  Now what???

Not too long after the surgery was off the table, my current physical therapist asked me to call the Orthopedic Brace specialist, Patrick Flanagan.  She thought he could help.  I did and he has helped me.  He even knew about my case before I ever walked in the door and was hoping I would come in to see him!  He has developed a bracing system that is in a clinical trial and is now using me as a test case.  I love my brace.  It doesn't reverse the clock, but it gives me the support and rest my muscles need to make it through my busy day.  I count him and his invention as a blessing on this journey.

Not long after I started working with the brace, a Chiropractor called me.  Dr. John Merkling had heard about my case through one of my close friends and wanted to help.  He has helped me more than I ever thought possible and I count him as another blessing in this journey.

Today I met with a new surgeon, Dr. Dewald at Rush University.  I was not sure what to expect after all we have been through, but was pleasantly surprised.  He did agree I need reconstructive surgery on my spine, but did not think it needed to be as extreme as my first surgical consult did.  He knew exactly what I needed and has done it many, many times before.  He didn't give me a grim future, but cast a vision of hope and help that seems manageable - not extreme.  I am still considered 'high risk', but for some reason this time we all have peace about it. 

My surgery is scheduled for May 20th.  I will be in the hospital for 5-7 days post op, and will be recovering home for several months.  I will not be able to drive, lift or do simple tasks around the house for months (God help us all :) I may need a second surgery, but it will be smaller and not as difficult, but we will not know about the second until the first has happened.  When the 6-12 months are over I will be straight, strong, and looking forward to many years ahead of mobility and activity that I crave!!!  YAY!!!

So here is the update I have promised.  Thank you for your prayer thus far.....and please consider prayng for our family in the days ahead.  It is a season full of challenges, but most importantly of hope. 

“A voice of one calling in the desert,
‘Prepare the way for the Lord,
make straight paths for him.
Every valley shall be filled in,
every mountain and hill made low.
The crooked roads shall become straight,
the rough ways smooth.

 And all mankind will see God’s salvation.’

Luke 3:4-5 and Isaiah 40:3-5

A cure for bickering.....

I do not know why it has been so bad lately, maybe the winter weather, the holidays are over, or plain old boredom, but several of the kids (the middle 3) have been fighting non stop for several weeks now. Sweet darling children that once played legos quietly together have turned into fighting-picking-tattling monsters and mommy is sick of it! I have decided that if we are going to keep the cereal portion police and spoon size regulation between sibs then I am going to gain a clean house, too. Yesterday I made a list of every chore I could think of, especially ones they hate to do and posted them for all to see on the fridge. I explained to them that anytime I heard one of them fighting, being rude or making up a rule that doesn't really exist (like you can't watch me play Wii unless it's your birthday) they would receive a job. Oh they tested me, I returned the infraction with a smile, a chore and the reverse psychology of "keep it up, I mean it, I need someone to sort laundry!!!!" Even while we were out last night I was using the 'job assignment' threat to keep them from running the aisles at Sam's Club. It was quite effective! By the end of the day we had NO fighting and I even overheard Gabe tell Shelby he loved her. So today I am torn: do I want them to fight so we get some socks matched or do I want them getting along? I think I will just wait and see what challenges today brings!

Making Crooked Places Straight......the Next Step.

I have been in a lot of pain lately. It seems to be getting worse and worse and with no end in sight. I have had several nights each week that I get up around 3am to ice my neck for an hour so I can get back to sleep. I have had days where I don't want to walk or stand and I end up staying at home on the couch. The more and more these moments have been occurring the more difficult they are to get through. So here is a little run down as to why this has been happening and what we are trying to do about it.

I had surgery when I was 13 yrs. old for severe Scoliosis. A 12" Harrington rod was fused to my mid and lower spine in hopes to stop the curvature and straighten my back. I recovered in 6 months and have had minimal to no problems up until I was about 30 years old. Off and on I would have pain or discomfort a few times a year, but have been able to manage it and cope pretty well. In the past 5 years the pain has increased, my posture has declined and I seem to be deteriorating much quicker than massage therapy and exercise can keep up with. In February of 2012 I went to see a chiropractor who did a scoliosis study on my back to see why this was occurring. She discovered with the first set of X-rays that my back was more curved than ever (81 degrees on the lower and 33 degrees on the upper) and shockingly- SO IS THE ROD!!! It should be straight as a ruler like it was when it was fused to my spinal column, but it isn't --it actually mirrors my curve now.

Unfortunately it is quite common with patients like me at about the 20-30 year post op point. The only recommendation for me so far has been full removal of the rod and reconstruction of my spine. We were referred to the top surgeon at Loyola University. He set surgery for the week of August 5, this summer. He explained to us that I would need 18-21 hours of reconstruction surgery on my spine. The surgery is risky (paralysis or life threatening blood clot) but without it I am also at risk (compressed lung/heart area, paralysis, or loss of mobility). As we reached the date of surgery I was called in to discuss my case and the surgeon sat me down and told me that after further review of my latest films he thought it was just too risky to do the surgery, so it was canceled. I was really upset! Cried the whole way home. Here are some of the thoughts I yelled at the rush hour traffic:

How could they leave me this way?
Thank goodness they told me BEFORE they performed the surgery!!!
How dare they ruin my summer with this date on the calendar!
I am so glad the surgery isn't happening.....
I wish I could have surgery and start feeling better soon.
Now what????

When I have a good day, it is really good and I am quite content to wait on the next step. When I have a bad day I picture myself in a wheelchair trying to reach high items in the grocery store. I'm left trying to figure out how I will be able to drive my 12 passenger vehicle or even how to get up into it!

Well, today is a great day. Not because I am pain free (I actually am NOT pain free today). It is a great day because God answered my prayer. Not the one to heal me completely, which I pray regularly, but a smaller one. I have been asking God to show me He hasn't forgotten about me. To show me that He is still working even though I can't see it. I have been asking Him to heal me, and if it isn't my turn yet to show me a glimpse as to why. I don't ask because I think I deserve to know, I ask to help build my faith. I ask Him so that I will be encouraged that while in this circumstance it is for a bigger purpose. Sometimes I am content to walk by faith not by sight, but in the middle of the night when I am crying in pain I ask for a little more. I plead with the One that has the ability to wash it all away to throw me a crumb as to why He hasn't yet. Well, today He showed me.

I am in the process of seeking out a new surgical team at RUSH University, but need some physical support to keep going throughout the months ahead. I asked a few weeks ago to see an Ortho specialist. He makes braces and orthodox for all types of 'structural problems'. My appointment came today and as I was explaining my case to the Therapist he started to get more and more interested. He asked to see my films and as he pulled them up on the computer he got REALLY excited! He said, "Oh my gosh, it's you!" Come to find out he was sent my case back in February. He studied it and set out to find a way to help me, hoping at some point I would be coming in to see him. He told me that he has even consulted with specialists in other countries about my case and he had several things he was hoping to try with me. He slowly and carefully explained each contraption to me. He finished with, "And there is this one thing we can try that I am most excited about. It is a prototype for a brace that I have been in development with a medical research company in CA for a while now. It is really 'weird' that you are here now. We are in the final stages and need clinical trials. Would you be willing to help us?" I smiled. I teared up as he raced to his office to bring me the brace. He fitted me for it and explained to me what to do with it. After my appointment was over, he shook my hand and walked me to the door and said, "I am really hoping this will help you, and with your help we are going to help a lot of people."

As I was driving home all I could think was, "Thank you God for showing me that even though I can't see it all the time, You haven't forgotten me, You haven't stopped working, and You are bigger than Scoliosis."

God hears our prayers and He's got it covered (period).

 

 

Luke 17:5, 'The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” 

 

John 20:27, Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”