Waiting on The Lord

I was almost packed up for the hospital yesterday.  The surgical nurse called and reviewed my case, history and prep instructions.  I hung up the phone and went back to planning my last day before phase 2 of spinal fusion surgery.  Less than an hour later the phone rings again, this time from my surgeon's assistant who said, "Shelli, I am so sorry, but we have to postpone your surgery.  Dr. Dewald has two patients in the hospital who need emergency surgery."  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  My mom flew in yesterday, I reminded her!  My husband has two jobs and has scheduled this time completely off, I complained.  My in laws are all gone to Europe next month, I need their help I gasped.  "We know and are very very sorry, but there is nothing we can do."  

I hung up the phone in disbelief.  It took me a few hours to absorb the change in plan.  I remembered Proverbs 3:5, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;". I asked God to help me live this verse.  I was reminded that He guides and directs our path.  This dramatic change in events didn't surprise or shock God.  He knew it was coming.  

Once I stopped trying to figure it out or make sense of it, I felt my heart soften and I started feeling thankful that I wasn't the one who needed emergency surgery.  I started thinking about the families that needed my surgeon's expertise and how blessed they are to have him in an emergency.  I realized how selfish my initial gut reaction was and began to feel embarrassed at my reasoning.  I'm not the center of the universe after all!  

I learned yesterday that if I'm left to my own thinking I will become selfish, confused, disappointed and easily shaken.  If I choose to submit to His authority I will have a heart of praise, gratitude, kindness and peace when my world is turned upside down.  

So now I will sit here and wait on The Lord to give me a new date.  I will lean on Him and trust His plan.  I will bless Him and remember "ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Protecting My Progress

This week I had my 3 week post op appointment.  We had new X-rays taken and now I have a great before and after picture to share with you. Before is on the right and after on the left.

Dr. Dewald says he is ecstatic with my results.  He walked us through the surgery and all that they did in those 13 hours.  He was very pleased with my progress so far.  He initially said we could wait to discuss the second stage of the surgery and whether or not I would need it, but by the time my appointment was over he put his hand on my shoulder and said he was sorry.  He knows I do not want to do more surgery and that these decisions are not to be made lightly, but he feels to keep my correction long term I will need to have the second phase.

So just what is that?  They go in through the front of the abdomen and add support in the form of mesh and synthetic disks that plug the space between the disks from the front so you will not tip forward.  It is like putting in a door stop :). This surgery is less invasive, only 3-4 hours long and possibly less painful, but they aren't promising anything.

I was, of course disappointed, but I saw a very beautiful woman about my age hunched over and barely able to walk in the waiting room.  It reminded me of why we have done this and why we need to protect my progress.  I never want to go back, so I guess that means we have to keep pressing onward.

This was the day before surgery, I was struggling to stand and walk straight.  Notice my shoulders and arms rolled in and forced out to stand upright.

My church family praying for God's hand to guide the surgeons.

Two days after surgery.....I was miserable!  I had an allergic reaction to the medical tape on my face and had several cuts from where they pulled it off!

5 days later I can finally eat solid food!

6 days later I saw some of the kids and got a wonderful moral boost!

After the kids left I was motivated to get home and started walking the halls :)

The next day I was discharged from the hospital and was on my way home!!!!

Recovering at home with seven kids is a challenge, but I'm so much happier with them!  Not to mention all the love and support of my family, church family and friends has made all the difference in the world.  I couldn't do it without you.  Thank you!!!!!

 

Me standing straight and tall!!!!

Day 3-5......obsessed with farting!

Well I know the title isn't very lady like, but it is the truth.  You have no idea unless you've experienced 'asleep' bowels how important it is for them to be awake!  Much time was spent listening for gurgles, spits and groans in my belly and I prayed a lot for things to just get moving!

 I had spent the first few days with oxygen on my nose and my throat was getting raw.  My loved ones had been swabbing my mouth with water filled cubes long enough and now I was obsessed with getting off my ice chip diet. 

Mike would try and get my mind off all the grisly details going on in my body and would encourage me to read my Facebook page and see all the people praying for my healing.  It helped!

I skyped the kids for the first time and my heart soared.  Now I was beginning to remember why we were doing this.

On my doctor's morning rounds he informed me that he felt my surgery was not completed.  He stopped short of what he thought he needed to do because of the 13 hour max and suggested we consider going back in next Wed.  I started to freak out..... Please no, not more!  He asked me to keep an open mind for a few days.  We would do an X-ray on Friday and decide then.

 I was still in excruciating pain, but starting to see small signs of progress.  

 My morphine pump was replaced by oral meds, wheelchair to a walker, ice chips to water to a clear liquid diet.  I started to get queasier and queasier as the gurgles built up.  Finally I had a 'break through' on day 4.  It was a noise so loud coming from the bathroom that I let out a Praise God and Mike nervously asked me if I was okay?  My son David likes to download farting apps on our phones, I couldn't wait to tell him about my bathroom explosion :)

Despite the baby steps of progress, in the back of my mind I was still wrecked with fear of more surgery so soon.  My face has 3 large wounds from where I had an allergic reaction to the medical tape from the first surgery, I still hurt to turn my body, couldn't sleep more than 40 minutes at a time, couldn't eat and couldn't regulate my body temperature.  My pain receptors were on overdrive receiving all stimuli as pain.  One morning mom came into to the room and I was sitting in a chair, practically naked because the clothes hurt to be on my body.  I was so nervous about the X-rays and future that I felt like I was going to throw up most of the day.  

One of my new favorite nurses came into the room Friday morning and announced she wanted to wash my hair for me.  It was a nice distraction from the looming X-rays, so I pretended I was at the hair salon.  Mike kept watching us chatting like we were anywhere but a hospital.  Finally he burst out laughing that my hair was so matted I looked like our sheltie, Nicky.  He teased me that Emily was going to have to shave my head, too!  She kept at it until I looked like a person not a poodle and then left us alone.

  I confided in my husband how afraid I was and asked him to pray for me.  He did, then X-ray came to take me downstairs.  I laid on my hospital bed in the hallway while the room was prepared.  The X-ray tech brought me in, lined up the cspine film, powered up the system, pressed the button and then the powered surged shutting off the computers.  She turned everything off, reboot, pushed the button....power surged and shut off again.  After several tries, several techs and the same result they apologized and had me lay back down.  They called my doctors to see if another view would be acceptable and were told no, we will wait.  

As I laid on the hospital bed listening to the chaos and confusion I had peace that God had stopped that picture and decision from being made that night.  They rolled me back in my room and I told Mike all that had just happened.  Nurses kept complaining that a state of the art hospital like Rush couldn't get a cspine film!  We both just smiled.

Around the clock vigil....day 2.

I was in and out of consciousness.  I remember flashes of my husbands face and nurses who quietly came in and out on a mission.  I would open my eyes and see my mother in law biting her nails one moment and checking my vitals the next.  I felt relieved knowing that someone who spent 30 years on the ICU as head nurse was watching me that night.  I was in excruciating pain.  It felt like someone had a serrated knife digging into my shoulders, neck and back.  I couldn't move.  I was hooked up to a morphine pump.  I could only push it every six minutes.  I would push it a few times and finally fall asleep only to miss a dose and wake up in full back spasms.  My husband set up a timer on his phone, every six minutes he would lean down to wake me up and say, Shelli you can push the button now.  That is how the first day in ICU went, six grueling minutes at a time, for all of us.  

By evening I was shaking and shivering all over.  My breaths were shallow and each one brought a sting of pain to my nose, throat, chest and ribs.  I was about as miserable as you could get when they came to change my gown and bedding.  I didn't want to move.  My eyes bugged out at the nurse who announced she was going to change my bedding.   How in the world are you going to do that, I quizzed her?  I still am not really sure how she did do that!  All I know is she should be in Vegas pulling sheets off tables and being paid big bucks!  

The next moment was very humbling to me.  The nurses slowly and methodically washed every inch of my body.  At first I was uncomfortable on a personal level, but as they wiped away dirt, adhesive, oils, sweat and toxins from my body I felt like a human again.  I kept seeing the hands of Jesus washing the disciples feet in my mind. The sound of the water in the tub in front of me transported me to a night back in time when our Savior gave us the example to serve one another this way.  I absolutely felt swaddled in Jesus' hands as these women did their 'job'.  I will never look at a nurse, aid or tech the same way again.  They are on the front lines everyday with the sick and hurting.  They are Jesus' hands.

^{John 13:12} After washing their feet, he put on his robe again and sat down and asked, “Do you understand what I was doing? ¹³ You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am. ¹⁴ And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. ¹⁵ I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. ¹⁶ I tell you the truth, slaves are not greater than their master. Nor is the messenger more important than the one who sends the message. ¹⁷ Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them.

Unpacking-day 1

Packing is usually the fun part.  It means you are getting ready for a new journey.  When I get back home, it is difficult for me to want to unpack my bag and sometimes I leave it sitting there for over two weeks.  Okay, sometimes even longer!  But as I sit here looking at my hospital bag, I find myself already wanting to unpack some things I have learned on this surgical journey.  

I spent months preparing for my upcoming spine reconstruction surgery.  We prepared family, friends, kids, the house, cars, meals, clothes, rooms and so much more to be physically ready.  Was I?  No!  As I stood at the check-in desk at 5am last Monday morning my heart raced as my last 2 hours of life as I'd always known it clicked away.  I checked in and sat with my mom as Mike parked the car.  They banded my arm, the beginning of the end, it felt.  As walked to the elevators to go to the 7th floor a child written letter fell out of my purse. Through my quickly found tears, I read very sweet mature words from a child who feared they would never see their mother again. I quickly typed back a text: got your letter, loved it, love you, see you soon <3 Mom.

The elevators opened, we all three walked up to the next desk and signed in.  I was standing in between mom and Mike, looking like a scared white rabbit about to scurry away at the first startle when the receptionist asked, "Good morning Shelli, are these your parents?"  Hehe, mom and I both felt complimented.  We sat and waited for our names to be called.  I paced, went to the bathroom, checked my phone....  

Finally, they brought us back and ran lines into my veins, introducing me to teams of anesthesiologists, nurses, surgeons.  Their initials were written on my back with black sharpie, papers to sign and belongings to check.  Then it was time, I had to say goodby to the last two most important people in my life.  I started crying, begged them to let me go home, asked where I could run, why did I have to do this again?  A simple kiss on the cheek and I love you and away I was pushed to the Operating Room.  I closed my eyes tight so as not to know what was my reality.  The last words I heard were breath in nice and slow.  

The next words I heard were "Shelli, this is your wake up test!"  The wake up test is when half way through the surgery they wake you up and have you move your extremities.  It helps the surgeons gauge paralysis risks and how well you were tolerating this major operation.  I heard it again in a different voice, then another saying move your hands, Shelli, another move your feet Shelli.  Shelli can you move?  After at least 6 commands that seemed upset with me I was back out.

My eyes opened after the max of 13 hours of reconstruction surgery had been performed on my body.  That was the most they would allow.  I remember very little, my moms exhausted face, husbands smile, father in law and step mother in law saying we love you....and my feet and hands paddling like a duck.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming running on repeat in my head. That was day one!

Less than 2 weeks away.....surgery update.

Every day that goes by gets me one step closer to my spine reconstruction surgery.  This time last year I was a basket case!  I was preparing for a similar surgery, but at a different hospital and different surgical team.  It felt so much scarier.  I didn't have peace, but felt like I was out of options.  

We prayed for God to open and close doors.  I went in for my pre-op consult and the surgeon said 'No!'  He thought I was too high risk and took me off the surgical calendar.  I drove home in rush hour traffic in tears. 

Back at square one and in terrible pain we started the process all over again in January, this time it all felt right.  From the moment I met the new surgeon and team, I had complete peace.  Today as I walked and toured the facility where my surgery is scheduled in less than 2 weeks, I had at least 3 different moments of serious déjà vu!  Each time I stopped and thanked God quietly.  He was telling me I'm on the right path.  

Dr. Dewald's assistant stopped halfway through my appointment, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Wow, you're ready aren't you?"  

This is my front view X-ray.  They plan on going in from the bottom up to vertebrae 4.  That is most of my spinal cord.  They are going to remove the bottom hooks from the current rod, add 2 more rods, put in support mesh, pins, and screws.  There are several other steps involved with cutting away bone, splitting previous fusion and inserting wedges.  In my last appointment they were considering a 2 stage, posterior and anterior, (front-back surgeries) but they have decided to go in from the back only this time because there is so much to do as it is and we are already looking at a 8-12 hour surgery.

If you look at this side view, the yellow vertical line should be through the center of my body.  (Your head should be square between your feet when you stand). As you can easily see, I'm not!  

I'm ready for the healing to begin, I'm ready to be straighter, stronger and able to run, play, and enjoy my kids more.  I'm ready to reverse the clock a little.  I have peace.  I'm ready.  

So here we go....it's time!

'In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.'  Proverbs 3:6